I'm really messed…I just realized it.
I'm sitting here having another fight with my soon-to-be ex boyfriend an eating some pancakes (because that's all the food I have at this point) and I am just struggling to chew these thick-ass fluffy ass pancakes. I realize I don't even really like pancakes.
I will eat them, of course, they are a great breakfast staple but only if I have to. I only have the pancake mix because I had brunch here for some friends earlier this summer and it's the last thing I have left.
More, deeper realizations I've tried to ignore hit me:
- I wish I had never gone to Howard University. Yes, this has truly been an experience. I've met some amazing as well as not-so-amazing people during my time here. Howard has changed me for the better and for the worst. It's true what they say about Howard, after you're gone there's somebody out there that's gonna look up to the fact that you went there even though you know it really aint shit. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't come to Howard I would be out of undergrad by down and I probably wouldn't be in so much debt. But hey maybe the grass just looks greener on the other side. Then again when I am out of this horrid place/phase I'm in right now AND undergrad I will probably (fuck that) look back at HU with much fondness…maybe.
- I want to get married….like NOW. I told my girls at dinner that while I did wanna get married, I wasn't ready yet. I'm probably right but there is a nagging feeling inside of me that wants it now. Maybe it's because I see so many others around me doing it, maybe I want a "permanent" end to the loneliness I've been enduring for the past few years, maybe I'm just afraid I will end up like my mom or sister. 50 and married for the first time, 40 never married and no kids. I want to overcome that!
- I don't know how to let go. I mean of anything. I thought having lost a parent at the age of 12 and several loved ones only a few years later and in a short time that I would learn the act of letting go. I never did. Probably because I don't think I've let my dad go. I tuck people and things in some place in my mind and I just don't deal with it until I absolutely have to. When that time comes I usually don't deal with it well and sometimes I go through these breakdowns. That would explain why when I have these vivid dreams about my father I wake up in tears and I have to hold them back for the rest of the day until I can push him back into that place where I don't have to deal with it.
- I have let a man rob me of my confidence. I don't even need to discuss it.
- I don't know what this is called but I have picked several fights with my boyfriend and been an all-out bitch to him this week over nothing while he is dealing with being homeless. There is an underlying reason but I still can't bring myself to tell anyone what it really is because then I feel like I will be on a clock, counting down how much more time it will take for us to break up. There's probably some psychological explanations for this.
- I don't know how to or like to make decisions. From where me and a friend are having dinner to where I'm going to college (see #1). Even after making the decision to make my own decisions I have fallen short. I feel that I don't know how to make good ones because the ones I've made haven't been that great (but then again the ones others have made for me or have influenced me to make haven't ALWAYS been either so I'm just screwed).
- I let other people's thoughts/opinions influence my decisions. Take a look at #1 again. I wouldn't have chosen Howard in the end but I kept getting that extra push from my family because they wanted to see me leave Cincinnati and get away from Ted more importantly.
- I'm a bitch. Just a straight up bitch. I wasn't always like this either. I have been trying to figure out where in the past 5 years I have gone wrong, it was probably Howard.
- I don't like kids but I can't wait to have one of my own. Doesn't make much sense…
- I am the one and only reason I'm still in undergrad. I said it. I have blamed professors I have blamed HU, I have blamed financial aid but in the end, I've been the biggest thing standing in my way. I spent so much time trying do things my own way, not conform to the HU bullshit like being a suck up and so on and look where it has landed me.
Like I said, I don't know where this has come from but I'm going to stop at 10 even though there are so many more. I need to get back to packing and finding something else to eat since the pancakes have failed me…
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