la douleur exquise

The literal English translation: the exquisite pain. This is also translated as having and unattainable love or being with someone but really loving someone else but for this post, I'll explore what this phrase means literally. La douleur exquise episode of Sex and the City. Carrie was distraught, wondering why she continued to put herself in the position for Mr. Big to hurt her again. She thought maybe she just liked it, maybe she enjoyed it.

I thought about this phrase this morning. I had gone to dinner with a friend and she was telling me about a lil rendezvous with a guy she'd been on and off with. Their situation is what I would consider less-than ideal and kind of shady, it continues. While my situations are somewhat different, I thought about myself and how I've tended to go back to guys who have done me no good. I wonder what it is was that made me keep going back for more. And I know I'm not the only person guilty of this. We complain when we're dealing with it, we complain when we're not.

I think about those into bondage and fetish; people that get off on the pain and then I think about a phrase my sister and I use damn near every other day: the worse you treat em, the more they love you.

When you're mean, show little interest, or act like you don't really care for example, that person you're involved with is all up in yours and can't get enough of it! When the guy you're feeling is blowing you off, being very nonchalant about you, and not showing much interest you're wracking your brain and going all crazy. You may not realize it but it's true, you feel some kinda way! Prime example: my boyfriend and I who's relationship has been a back and forth of us treating each other like crap. When I look back on the things I've done I'm just like why did he stick around? Though I'm thankful he did, I wonder how he handled it. Was he getting off on the abuse? Did he really like it deep down somewhere?

My question is when does the game stop? When does pain stop becoming "pleasurable" and the pleasurable things really become pleasure?

Our betrothed waitress at Hooters tonight said she misses being single because she misses the "game". The whack *ss game of trying to figure another person out and how they feel about you because they just can't cut the bullsh*t and say what's real to you. That's one game I don't think I'll ever miss.

I’m still trying to deal

MIIIIIIIICCCCHHHHHHAAAAAAAEEEEEEELLLL!!!!!

I know I commented last night but I have spent most of my day watching this MTV tribute to MJ and I'm just like DAYUM he is dead!

Okay it's a common fact that people die. We know this. But this is one of those situations where a dumb comment like "he can't die" or "I just never imagined Michael Jackson dying" can be said.

I'm a MJ fan. I was born in the mid-80s so I don't remember the Beat It, Thriller, Billie Jean days as vividly as like my sister. I don't remember seeing folks in their leather jackets with the sleeves rolled, studded gloves, and Jheri curls but they were showing his videos even when I was coming up like they had just come out the night before. My grandma would let me watch BET and VH-1 secretly (the TV would quickly go to Nickelodeon when it came time for my mom to pick me up). I remember seeing the "Leave Me Alone" video almost every day and it was my SH*T! I went through a phase where I wanted to play my mom's old records and the Jackson 5's ABC went hard! He spanned generations. And PLEASE don't get me started on The Wiz. I checked that movie out from the library faithfully. I felt so bad for the scarecrow when the crows were talkin smack. He just captured me.

Watching all of his videos, seeing his performances, and hearing his songs on the radio today made me realize that everything these little pop stars and even rappers are doing and saying and dancing today came from Michael. I heard some songs from him that I had heard in a remake by somebody else and I had no idea he had influenced certain songs. He is an American cultural icon. When people from other countries think of American music, Michael is one of the first people they think of.

Despite his questionable behavior and skin color Michael is a Black man who made EVERYONE love the music. It was just about the music and it had Blacks, Whites, Asians, Arabs, fat people, skinny people, sick people, everyone was grooving to his music. He was a performer and even the haters had to admit the man could dance, he could sing, he could entertain it was just undeniable.

The scope of the impact his death has had on people amazes me, not sure why. Almost every Facebook status was a RIP and pledge of prayers for the Jackson family. MTV completely stopped broadcasting for a few hours and just started playing his videos. E! was broadcasting live talking to celebs getting their reactions. This was as big as the night Barack Obama was elected President. International stories, impacting everyone.

I can't end this post without mentioning those people disrespecting the dead and the accomplishments of a music legend. Bringing up his financial woes, the molestation allegations, his personal issues is all unnecessary. Despite the things that may have gone down later in his life, those things cannot overshadow his career or his accomplishments. Haters, can we refrain from disrespecting the dead?

Rest in peace to the King of Pop…prayers for the Jackson family. I'm gonna go watch The Wiz now!

This is bad, real bad....Michael Jackson

I have no words! I'm shocked! I'm sad!

I don't usually like those Youtube videos where there's just pics and sound, but I have to put up two of my favorite MJ creations. The first is my fave song, "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" and "Just Leave me Alone".



"Just Leave me Alone" takes me back to being like 6, at my grandma's house, watching VH-1 in secret (she didn't want my mom to know I was watching videos lol), and eating cheddar cheese Pringles. Mike you will be missed!

FML!

I think this may be my first post that really deals with my current personal life situation. This isn't really what I wanted my blog to be all about but I have to vent. Bear with me...

I love my boyfriend. Love him to death!

My family, friends, and a majority of people in my life; not so much.

He's not perfect, but who is? Yes he has problems in his life, but who doesn't?

These are the things I tell myself when one of these issues or problems or imperfections come up. I can't get into the situation that has come up today and it sucks because I have nobody to talk to about it either.

I feel that it's necessary to say that I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. But love does NOT overcome certain situations and I wonder if this is one of those situations. In my heart and mind I see us being able to, but I always wonder what God's plan is. I can't force this, this is completely out of my control, but I don't know how to let go and just go with the flow...

I get so sad at the thought of not having my boyfriend in my life which is kind of bad on one hand. The brief period that he was out of my life was some of the worst days of my adult life. I was depressed, sad, lonely, and I couldn't fathom going through that again! I'm stuck, not sure what to do, how to react to a situation that has nothing to do with me but at the same has everything to do with me.

This post probably doesn't make much since, but I needed to let somethings out, hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

Not sure I buy it...

So I had started a post about this topic last night, then scrapped it but after ready today's post on SBM, I knew I had to address it.

The post was about a method that really should be employed by everyone called the stop...think method. Use it before you jump to conclusions. When my boyfriend were in the rocky stage before we got back together, I noted that he wasn't really showing his love to me the way he had before. Though this is partly my fault for all of the f*cked up things I did to him, I was like well maybe he doesn't love me anymore like he says he does. I stopped. I thought. Umm did he not just make me cry for a good 20 minutes after what he put on me? He did, he puts in overtime because he loves me.

So I was feeling the post and then I got to the comments. One girl said that the method didn't work for her. That men said and did things with booty as their ultimate driving force.

"Yes, boo, I'll take a long (boring) walk with you tonight." Translation: You better be givin me some head to night for this!
(One of the commentator's examples) "You're my wifey." Translation: That p*ssy is mine!

Now I will admit, I tend to have this same outlook on men. That at their fundamental core, every action leads back to sex. This can't ALWAYS be true...or can it?

This made me laugh out loud!

When there's nobody for you to celebrate...

So I don't know why now, after more than 10 years of being in this situation, the upcoming Father's Day holiday is really getting me down.

This will not be the first Father's Day where my father isn't with me so that I can celebrate him. Because of the fact that there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, Father's Day should not be an exception. It should be okay for me to cry or mourn him on that day but I've noticed that I never really do. Its the other few days of there year where he is heavy on my mind, sometimes to the point where I shut down a little.

But for some reason, this year I'm dreading Father's Day. I see these commercials for all the great stuff you should buy for your dad, the best way to say you love, etc. and just start feeling some kinda way. I prayed to God today that my boyfriend doesn't call me next Sunday so I'll have to wish him a Happy Father's Day cause I really don't want to (that's another side issue that I'll save for another post!).

What do people who lack a father (for whatever reason) do to get through a holiday like Father's Day? I don't think any of my previous tactics are going to get me through this year...

My song of the day

I know this may be a tad slow for the morning, but this song has been on my mind since yesterday. After years of being away Maxwell is back and I'm loving his first single "Pretty Wings". I feel like it speaks to my life a little.

Hope you have a great day!

The REAL Carter is at it again!

Do people talk to each other anymore?

So I was talking with a good friend today (yes I still talk on the telephone…sometimes) and the subject of a guy she was talking to came up. She had gone on a couple of dates with the guy and she was really liking him but he never called her. He hardly contacted her and when he did it would be through some late-night, I'm-stumbling-out-of-the club-and-going -to get-breakfast-and-I-just-wanna-text-somebody, type stuff. Key word: text, not call.

From what she's revealed to me, any communication initiated by him has been through text messaging only. I'm sad to report that she's not the only girl dealing with a man that uses text as their only form of communication. I was involved with a guy that did the same thing! This prompts me to answer the question of why? Why do people, men in particular, feel that texting is a sufficient form of communication?

Don't get me wrong, I love text messaging. It keeps me awake in boring classes, is sometimes easier than talking on the phone, and sometimes gives me a chance to say some things I struggle to say in person. However, I feel that text can never be a substitute for human interaction.

Being a woman that remembers the days before cell phones and internet dominated life, I have an appreciation for telephone conversations and face-to-face interactions. Is it that hard for your to pick up the phone and call me? Aren't your fingers tired from typing out this deep *ss conversation on the phone? I miss the days of long nights spent talking on the phone, giggling with a guy I really liked. I honestly haven't done that since high school, I don't even do that with my boyfriend now and that makes me sad lol.

Text is not the only communication medium that has replaced real communication. Some people have more action with their friends on Facebook than they do in real life. I find that more and more people are going strictly text and I have to wonder if anyone else miss human, non-digital interaction?

So it begins...

Well this is post #1 for Haute Chocolate.

Unfortunately I'm spending my Saturday night/Sunday morning home alone so I don't have much to talk about but I promise good things to come! I'm playing with my blog, jazzing it up for you so it doesn't look like I just threw a bunch of crap up on here. This is the life of a fabulous 20-something on a lazy Saturday night: working on my blog while watching The That Rocks the Cradle (the chick in this movie is crazy and it's only the first 30 minutes!).

Tune in tomorrow for an update...