Getting Over...

Getting over a broken heart is one of the hardest things I think a person has to do in their life. Whether your heart is broken by a lover, a friend, a family member, or somebody else, it's tough.

I think I'd kind of forgotten the pain that comes with losing somebody that you love and hold dear to your heart. It's been more than 10 years since I lost my dad and that was one of the most devastating and hurtful experiences I had been through in my life. I never thought I would hurt like that again until recently.

I've lost a person that was in my life almost as long as my father was. The difference between this loss is that he isn't dead. He is still living and breathing and able to communicate with me which makes it a little harder. My sister reminded me that if I was able to get over losing my father, I would be able to get over losing a person I considered to be my best friend and that I love just as much as I love my daddy.

Right now I feel like I did when I was 12 in those days after my dad died. I tried my hardest to be myself but inside I felt just dead. The problem is that I don't even remember how I got through it so I'm at a loss for how to get through losing a loved one now. At the age of 12 I feel I handled losing my dad better than I'm handling losing this person at 24.

How do you get over a broken heart? How do you let go of a person? How do you get over the loss of a person that you love? 

The male radar

I'm really beginning to believe that men have some sort of female radar/telekinesis/6th sense about women.

One aspect of this special power they have is the ability to know or sense when a woman they've previously been involved with has forgotten about them, isn't thinking about them, or has moved on. When this occurs, they get some alert that says "B forgot about me. I must put myself back on her mind." and then a text, phone call, FB message, or other form of communication ensues.

Sometimes us women fall back into the trap (I have before no lie) but some have no need to hear what that man is talking anymore and they can see past the bullsh*t that usually comes with communications from that man.

I'm back in Ohio, living life and looking for a job while still dreaming fondly of the fun times I had in DC. Things are going pretty good in my relationship with The Boo aside from a few life issues going on with him. With the exception of a few texts from the Jamaican, I haven't been speaking to him or communicating with him and I guess his radar finally went off that he wasn't on my mind anymore.

He tells me he misses me, he tells me he wants me to come back, and the kicker...he's never liked any girl the way he likes me and he thinks he might be in love.

I swear God is up there laughing at me.

Sometimes you feel like this....

One movie I absolutely love is Somethings Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. I think it's a cute, loving and funny movie and here is one scene/montage I absolutely love.

Keaton's character experiences the lows of love after falling in love with a guy and having her heart broken by his ass. I laugh everytime I see her in a different scene crying but right now I feel like kind of like her. Cut to me at any random point in the day and you'll probably see me going through the same thing (probably explains why I was inspired to write today). Anyways check it out...

All the talk in the world, Lost in the world, Till you finally let that thing go

Paranoia (n.): a thought process heavily influenced by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.

Paranoia is a mofo. It can ruin things, it can turn you into a crazy person. When you suffer from it it overwhelms you, takes over, and consumes you.

I was never paranoid before. I always felt pretty good and secure about things/people in my life. But somewhere along the road of life, things happened and those things turned me into one of those paranoid people.

"You've got a f*cked up attitude, you're gonna be single forever." That's what this guy, I will refer to him as Herb-Man (because this most likely won't be the last time I refer to him in a post and that is also his Yahoo screen name), once told me. Mind you, Herb-Man had the nerve to say these things to me after it was revealed he had a girlfriend the entire time we were involved.

It seems like after I got duped by Herb-Man I was got duped a few more times even by those I never thought would do me that way. I became paranoid.

Paranoia can ruin things like relationships. Your heart tells you one thing but your paranoid mind tells you another and usually the paranoid mind wins.

My question is how do you get over paranoia? How do you let go of the things that made you paranoid in the first place? I really need to  know....

My biggest project when I was like 5

I just finished a dumb, long take-home exam about the destruction of the Tasmanian Aborigines. 

I 100% hate dumb projects and take-homes.

I hate bringing school home. When you're a kid (well when I was a kid) I got out of school and if I wasn't hitting the streets on my bike with my friends, I had plenty of great things to play with instead of being chained to a computer.

I found myself thinking about some random things tonight, things from my childhood. I remember things like finishing that really complicated Lite-Brite design were the only projects I had on my plate. 

So reminiscing on Lite-Bright got me thinking about all my cool ass toys I had when I was a kid...

*Sigh* those were the good ole days!

So what are you going to do?

I've been posting a lot about my life lately. That's not what this blog is supposed to be all about but I've just had a lot to talk about regarding my life.

Now that I've established I will graduating this December (if I pass this crazy Patterns in Math class), I hear the question of what I'm going to do with myself after almost everyday. My only response has been a shrug of my shoulders and then for at least the next 2 hours I'm tossing the same question around in my head, weighing my options, and really trying to figure it out.

I've been looking forward to moving back home after crying about how much I miss Cincy for the last 5.5 years. However, when I really think about it, I'm not sure I could stand being there for more than a few weeks.

I'm tossing around the idea of moving to NYC with my sister. When I was younger New York was going to be home just as soon as I could get away. That dream faded slightly but the idea is tapping on my shoulder, asking for another chance. I don't know if I could shack up with my sis (she would make me crazy! Skinny but crazy!) but it could also be just what I need.

As a substitute for going home I've also been considering Chicago. I love the Midwest. I miss the Midwest. If I can't be in Cincy, Chicago sounds like the next best place. It's Midwestern, something tells me it wouldn't be too hard to find a job there, I would be much closer to home than I am now, I have family there, I really like Chicago (even though I've only actually been there twice and never really to see the city)...the list goes on.

Sometimes my mind gets really adventurous and I consider just moving somewhere far like Los Angeles or Houston (I looove Houston). I think about just applying for jobs anywhere and taking the best one I get offered, regardless of the location. There are factors like my family, maybe The Boo a little (although we're on the rocks and I don't know if I can give up my dreams for some man that's not giving up anything for me), and the money factor that shut that down for me.

Finally there's just staying here in DC. So many Howard folks do it. The job market for PR and event planning is good, there are lot of opportunities, it's close to everything (NYC, Philly, etc.). I have such a love-hate relationship (currently HATE) with the DMV but I really just don't see this as the place for me.






I look at all my friends who have graduated and are trying and working hard to make it and start their lives. I don't even know where to begin. After high school my plan was already set without questions or doubt but now I just don't know where I am going! These next couple of months should very interesting....

The thing in DC I HATE!

It's been on my mind to post about this for a while but the other night sent me over the edge. I was dealing with two European men who were trying to convice me that two cars could fit in a space for one. I mean I thought driving in New York was bad but my few driving experiences there don't even compare to my DC experience


I was headed to Macy's at Metro Center (downtown DC) for a fashion show event that was apart of the Congression Black Caucus Conference weekend. Traffic was HORRIBLE (as usual in DC)! Of course I'm going to stay people in the DMV (DC, MD, VA) area can't drive. Here are a few instances of the ignorance I encounter:

• People using the highway onramp as a lane. I've never seen this until I got here. I have seen people swerve over onto the onramp just to pass a few cars. Is that even legal?
• People who don't know where they're going so they drive extra slow or just stop in the middle of the street with 10 cars behind them. Why don't you pull over and get yourself together? I know DC streets can be semi-confusing and GPS systems have a hard time keeping up but there ARE others behind you that know where they are going so why don't you move over? I almost hit somebody this morning who couldn't figure out if they wanted to turn or not.
• New York Avenue. One of the busiest streets in the city and the street where people like to get foolish with their driving. Swerving in and out of lanes, driving 10 miles below the speed limit, and those annoying red light and speeding camera.
• Parking enforcement. I like them as much as I like cabs and taxis (see below). These people seem to get pleasure from giving tickets. I've heard stories of "officers" smiling, telling themselves they're gonna get people. They act like they get some kind of commission off the tickets the write and they give you a ticket for almost anything...they are just plain thirsty!
• Speaking of...DC parking meters. They never work! I hate when I lose a quarter to a broken meter. I also do not like those pay to park machines. They never can take your credit card and they don't take cash so it really defeats the purpose!
• DC cops driving with those lights on. I don't get it...
• People driving with their brights on. So many people do this, especially people in trucks. Maybe they do it so they can blind folks in smaller cars and rule the road or something. It's so rude!
• CABS AND TAXIS!!!!! Can't freakin stand them! They do all of the above. Make random u-turns in the middle of traffic, and drive extremely slow or wreckless. What's even worse is they are racist and ridiculous. They won't take anywhere they don't wanna go. They hold up traffic trying to ask potential fares where they are going before they let them in. There were nights I would get into Chinatown from NYC and I would need a cab ride to my dorm. I would have to beg and barter with the drivers to take me to Howard.

Anybody that's been in the car with me will say it's just road rage. But this stuff bothers me. Can't wait to get back to Ohio where people drive semi-normally, hehe....

Oh That's Not Jennifer!

I'm just not understanding. This also happened while I was heading to the Macy's event for the CBC Convention. Now I know that during the CBC Convention weekend, there are a lot of people out, the chances of seeing some fine-ass good-looking men just hitting the streets headed to a party or event are high, and there are all kinds of black people from all over the country in town.

Because of the traffic situation, I was forced to park like 5 blocks away from the event and trek up to the department store. As I'm briskly walking, flip-flops on and heels in hand I hear a woman coming towards me but I'm not really thinking much of it. It's not until she's right in my face yelling "Jennifer! Jennifer!" that I even notice her.

I look at her and she goes (with slight disappointment) "Oh you're not Jennifer....how you doing, baby?"

I politely smile, say hi, and chalk it up to too many drinks or they're just crazy. But a few steps later I realized just who this Jennifer is....

Two years ago for my birthday we went to dinner at Union Station. I was looking cute, hair curly (yes kind of like how she wore hers when she had the long weave) cute outfit, and everything. We were walking through this huge train station to the resturaunt when a man pushing a mail cart stops suddenly, grabs my wrist and says, "Oh my God Jennifer Hudson! Can I have your autograph?"

I laughed it off but the man was dead-*ss serious! And he looked so hurt that it wasn't me!

Am I missing something?

(Me)

                                                        (J. Hud)

These are just a couple of instances, I have plenty more stories of mistaken identity. Personally I don't see it. People tell me I should be flattered because she's pretty and I think she is. But I don't think I look like her! And I will admit it kind of stings when I see the disappointed look on people's faces when they realize it's not her....maybe it's time to go back to short hair.

A Dedication...

I recieved a frantic 1:30 a.m. call Friday from my sister. I was knocked out but I of course answered because she didn't usually call me so late.

She informed me that she had been in a movie that night and when she got out her phone was bombarded with calls, voicemails, and texts. She told me that our cousin had died in Brooklyn that night.

Ajile Turner was only 38. It was until today that I got the full story of what happened that night in Brooklyn but I was told that he had been in a motorcycle accident.

I was shocked. We got off the phone abruptly because she was going to call a cab to take her from Harlem over to his apartment because she could not reach anyone.

I certainly couldn't go back to sleep. My mind went back to the last time I was in Brooklyn which was this summer. He was around in I believe Prospect Park (there are two big parks over there, one had a big concert going on and the other was just a major hangout spot) and we were over at Habana enjoying burritos and corn. There were guys on bikes everywhere but unfortunately I didn't get to see him.

The last time I saw Ajile was at Habana Cafe (my first time there) just after he purchased the bike that would eventually kill him. It was a big secret, he warned me not to tell my mother because he wasn't ready for his to know. It was the first time I'd seen him since maybe high school. I hardly remember him going back to Cincinnati for anything and he was constantly travelling to Hawaii to surf (something he loved) or somewhere in the winter to snowboard (his new love).

That last time I saw him I saw him smiling, surrounded by so many people who were also touched by him. It seemed as though everybody there knew him. I remember Malik Yoba was there and when I stepped outside the gate my cousin was there chatting with him and he wasted no time introducing me, his little cousin, to Malik and everybody else standing around. Mos Def came through as well and made sure he gave a nod to Ajlie as well. I looked at him that day and I thought he was just so cool. Yeah he was the cousin of rapper Common, but all that seemed trivial to me. Rashid is like a cousin to me as well, not some big shot rapper. Ajile knew real celebs, lol.

Even though I didn't see Ajile much, I don't remember a time in my life that I didn't know him. I should add that we are not cousins by blood or marriage but simply by the fact that our mothers were once great friends, his mother was almost a mother to me. For my sister, he was a best friend. A relative in New York whom she could always call on and who she would always be there for.

This post is for Ajile who I believe was taken too soon. My thoughts and prayers are with the rest of his family and all of his friends who are mourning the loss of an amazing person.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

DISCLAIMER: My boyfriend is NOT a douche like Spencer and I'm nothing like Heidi but I just might understand how Heidi felt on The Hills....

When I first started "dating" in high school I remember hearing people say that your friend's and family's thoughts/impressions/opinions told you whether or not you really should be dating that person (or something along those lines). Basically, if your peoples don't approve, they probably see something you don't, and you should probably kick them to the curb.

I will be honest I have only had 2 boyfriends in my entire life. In high school I tended to just "talk" to a lot of guys but never anything serious outisde of my relationship with The Boo. I met my first boyfriend through a friend and I think that situation spoiled me. We were all close, we all hung out together, my boyfriend was friends with my friends and vice-versa. Yes, when we broke up I was kinda kicked out the clique for a while but when things got better we were all friends again and that's when I got together with my current.

Looking back on it now, I realized that almost nobody in my life really approved of my relationship with him and I let that affect our relationship. I broke up with him, treated him bad, etc. because I thought I needed to keep on searching for something better, something that my friends and family approved of.

When I got older I decided to trash that whole concept of my folks approving of the person I was dating because I found that I never met anyone or dealt with anyone that they actually approved of. I also stopped searching for the approval of others in my life but I have to say it's very hard to be in a relationship with a person that nobody wants to see you with.

I find myself doubting it, wondering if I am making the wrong choice, wondering how things will play out in the end because we are throwing around the capital M-word. I compartmentalize my life, never mixing The Boo with anything or anybody else. I'm incapable of talking to my friends about the relationship and now, I'm incapable of talking to him about my friends because they all seem to dislike each other for many different reasons.

I'm not looking for everyone to be best friends, I'm just looking for a comfortable situation with mutual respect. People on both sides claim to love me yet they can't respect my choice in friends or boyfriend.

I must add that there are 1, possibly 2 people in my life that are the exception to this.

So now I'm back to debating the same question I dealt with when I was 17. If your peoples don't approve does that mean it's really no good?

Take Me Home

Every so often in the middle of BET's The Game marathon a Tide commercial comes on that I love. It's a father and his son who has just gotten out of a bath. The father as wrapped his son in a crisp white towel and you can see they are having a nice father/son moment together...peep the commercial:

Not only do I love it because it shows a positive, black father/son relationship, but I actually listened to the words of the woman singing "take me home...".

I couldn't help but think of my own personal "crisp white towel" that bring me warmth and comfort. And, crazy as it may sound, that place is Cincinnati....The Nasty Nati, Porkopolis, etc.

Cincinnati is my home, my safety blanket, my safe haven if you will. Just the thought of home evokes a sense of comfort. No matter how broke, sick, or hurt I am, the minute I see Kings Island on I-71 when I'm driving in I feel 10 times better. It's where my family is and most of my friends and that is where my real comfort zone is. These are a few of my favorite things:

• A Skyline Chili 3-way, 
• Walking around Eden Park or sitting on the benches looking over at Kentucky with The Boo or friends
  
• Riding bikes with my father
  
• A hefty scoop of Graeter's mocha chip ice cream or UDF Cookies and Cream
  
• Shopping at Kroger's at 2 a.m. or whenever the spirit moves me
  
• sitting on my Grandma Geneva's porch on Blair Ave. in the summers
• cruising in my old Ford Escort with my girls around Avondale
• Hitting the Avondale drive-thru just for a pop
• Hearing people refer to Coke, Sprite, etc. as pop
• Family dinners at my Grandma Katie's house and always wondering who would stroll in next
• The Taste of Cincinnati
• The Black Family Reunions (the way they used to be when folks were fighting every 5 secs)
  
• Bengals games (though I haven't been to one since before high school)

I could go on forever. But here are some pics instead...

Weekend Update: How the Broke Do It

Considering my current financial and living situation I was forced endure another boring weekend in the house. I manage to score a few dollars on Friday (thanks to my lovely sister D) and I enjoyed the feeling of having some money in my account for about a day until that feeling was stolen from me (thanks to Wachovia, the worst bank in America...oh and Washington Sports Club for ruining it too!). I did manage to make a trip to Target for some food basics and I did manage to put a little gas in the Jetta before my financial world came crashing down again.

I promised my aunt I would take my younger cousin to Old Navy to get some clothes since she literally came to college with enough clothes to last her about a week and a half (well I mean good clothes=not sweats). My cousin in 19, deaf, and beginning her freshman year at Gallaudet University. I will admit my family has done her kind of wrong. None of us learned sign language or even learned to communicate with her which in turn left her feeling as though she is not a part of the family. In fact, I'll admit she and I had our first "real" conversation a few years ago through text messages and AOL Instant Messenger. I can't leave out the fact that she has been treated like an adopted child by her own mother and well tapped for those amazing disability checks the government throws at the deaf. 


When she moved to D.C. my family made it clear they wanted me to teach her how to dress. She's a basketballer and mostly a baggy sweats and big t-shirts kind of girl. She's also ballin on a budget so we hit up Old Navy to get her a few things. She made it clear she needed no help from me and she even picked a couple cute outfits for herself (she did decide to trash the cutest one she put together). Because I still have yet to learn sign language, we typed Blackberry messages to each other and things went rather smoothly. 
Dropping her off at her dorm afterwards, I watched her sign and laugh with her other deaf friends. I think I'm gonna have to ask her for some lessons...

The rest of the weekend I spent in the house with The Boo. We watched the BET marathon of the "The Game". I even popped in "Dreamgirls" last night and we shared some laughs. It was honestly the most fun we've had together in a while. 
This morning I got a call from my mother and sister D. I had called my mother on Sunday feeling a little distraught about my financial situation and she made it clear she "couldn't deal with crisis" at the time. So she decided to deal with it this morning by jumping on my case about getting yet another job (I'm currently working two and if I ever get financial aid that will be 3). She said several times I needed to go get a job at the White House (because you can totally just walk up to the front door and put in an application for any job you desire) and that I needed to "get off my butt and do something."
I ended up hanging up on them. 


Totally not looking forward to a week of waking up at 6:00 every morning and fighting Howard for my financial aid. Sometimes I just wish I could drop out.

The importance of family

Family is something that means something different to everyone and every family. It's a personal thing. Each person has their own idea on what role family has, what family is supposed to be or do, and really how important family is to them.

General these ideas are the same within families. You develop these notions because you were raised on them and you adopt them, they become apart of you. Occasionally, there are those that say "umm no" and they develop their own, new ideas or notions of family.

Now personally, I say family is the backbone. The people you will get down for no matter what and you know will get down for you (you have to admit even in extreme cases such as addictions, financial factors, etc.). The word unconditional love comes to mind. Family is the reason you have life and at the end of the day, your family is still your family. You have the same blood running through your veins, you are linked together in ways that really cannot be fully understood.

As I previously stated there are always those that don't seem to catch that same outlook in a family unit that predominantly feels the same way. It's a hard thing dealing with a family member that to me has no sense of family.

I have one such family member who has of late decided to show their true colors. At this point in my life I am dealing with some difficult situations and I will honestly say am my lowest. It's times such as these that you are to call on your family which for the most part has come through but this family member has made it clear they can't be called on. I struggle with this because I know that my father, would have moved mountains for her and practically did when he was alive and had the capabilities. Her father, the kindest man anyone had ever met (I heard this from everyone when I was child), would probably be disappointed in her actions.

I am not upset with her, I'm honestly not harboring any anger (even though I've devoted an entire blog post to the situation) I'm simply disappointed. As with most things I have learned from this. I have learned that if and when I have the means to help my family members I will do what I can for them. When my brother goes off to college I will break my neck to make sure that he is taken care of and when my future neices and nephews go to college or simply need something from me I will help them any way that I can. I promise myself that I will not let this rub off on me. I will continue to keep my ideals of family and it's purpose and importance.

Ok that's my rant for the day :-)...C

When do you know it’s time to throw in the towel?

I never seem to know when to myself.

It's something I've been thinking about for the past week though.

I've been examining every detail, every part of my relationship with my boyfriend and I have asked myself if we are beating a dead horse at this point.

We've been doing this thing on and off for the past 7 years. We've had so many problems, so many trials, until recently others have come and gone for both of us. We've both had to do some growing up (I will admit mostly me). But this last time that we've gotten back together I pledged to myself that it was going to be different. I told myself before when even got back together that when we were back together we would be doing this thing for real. But as of right now, I'm struggling to figure out what that even means.

I thought it meant me being the woman he always wanted to be: a loving, faithful girlfriend, a nice person and not an evil bitch, looking at our relationship and moving it towards the future. There were certain problems that I knew existed, a number of them had existed since we first met back in good old 2002, but I had somehow managed to convince myself that they could be worked out, dealt with, and gotten over.

But the more time that goes on I'm wondering if we should have left us alone. As previously stated I have issues with letting go. Part of the reason I never just let things go was because I didn't want to have to deal with the pain of getting over him and I knew it would take quite a while. I've always been the one to do the breaking up to later regret the decision and I've always been the one left working my ass off to fix things. But this time I'm wondering if we should have left this alone a long time ago.

I hear about married couples and people taking years to make the decision to leave the person they are married to. Or women who keep going back to men time after time until they've made decision to really remove themselves from the situation.

But when you're not married or getting in your ass kicked how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel on a relationship? How do you bring yourself to end something you're not really sure you want to end in the first place?

I remember seeing this video the last time I was begging him to take me back and I just related so much. I feel like it's kind of appropriate now....

If we never make mistakes…

Wouldn't life be semi-boring? Would we ever really learn thing in life? How could we know our boundaries? How do we discover our strengths and weakneses?

Yes, there are some mistakes, very serious ones, where you do things and for a long time (sometimes your whole life) you wish you had never made them. But there are also mistakes, those really bad ones included, that shape you and make you who you are.

My sister is 17 year older than myself. So that means by the time I was born, she had gone through quite a few of those life things that we all must go through. Things that are painful, unpleasant, etc. As she watched me become an adult she attempted to shield me from those things. She attempted to save me time by telling me upfront what would happen if I were to do certain things and she always worked to steer me in the direction that would cause me the least pain.

Now there were some instances where I admit, she told me to or not to do certain things, and I did them anyways. Giving it up to Hooking up with that cute, football player, stud type who inevitably took my heart and flicked it down on the ground. But even after the pain, I learned what I was capable of, what kind of man I wanted, etc.

What makes me crazy are those individuals who give you advice on a subject, demand that you follow it, and even though you know they are only thinking of you, they get upset when you don't do exactly what they tell you to. What's even worse is when they get so upset that you don't take their advice that they shun you, push you away, put some sort of stigma on you.

My sis has a quote on her Facebook that begins "you are my friend when you can guard my failures…". That is one thing that many do not do and only few of us are lucky enough to find a friend like that. A real friend will not kick you when you are down. To me they won't hit with that "told you so" bullsh*t.

In the past year I will admit I have made my share of mistakes, many that were preventable had I simply heeded the advice and warnings of others. But many of these mistakes have taught me valuable lessons. I think it's always different when you have to experience that pain or go through a struggle rather than just hearing about it. As long as I never make the same mistakes twice, I think I'm good. I hope one of these days I can just start listening to others and stop putting myself through so much crap.

Afternoon Ramblings…

I'm really messed…I just realized it.

I'm sitting here having another fight with my soon-to-be ex boyfriend an eating some pancakes (because that's all the food I have at this point) and I am just struggling to chew these thick-ass fluffy ass pancakes. I realize I don't even really like pancakes.

I will eat them, of course, they are a great breakfast staple but only if I have to. I only have the pancake mix because I had brunch here for some friends earlier this summer and it's the last thing I have left.

More, deeper realizations I've tried to ignore hit me:

1. I wish I had never gone to Howard University. Yes, this has truly been an experience. I've met some amazing as well as not-so-amazing people during my time here. Howard has changed me for the better and for the worst. It's true what they say about Howard, after you're gone there's somebody out there that's gonna look up to the fact that you went there even though you know it really aint shit. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't come to Howard I would be out of undergrad by down and I probably wouldn't be in so much debt. But hey maybe the grass just looks greener on the other side. Then again when I am out of this horrid place/phase I'm in right now AND undergrad I will probably (fuck that) look back at HU with much fondness…maybe.
   
2. I want to get married….like NOW. I told my girls at dinner that while I did wanna get married, I wasn't ready yet. I'm probably right but there is a nagging feeling inside of me that wants it now. Maybe it's because I see so many others around me doing it, maybe I want a "permanent" end to the loneliness I've been enduring for the past few years, maybe I'm just afraid I will end up like my mom or sister. 50 and married for the first time, 40 never married and no kids. I want to overcome that!
   
3. I don't know how to let go. I mean of anything. I thought having lost a parent at the age of 12 and several loved ones only a few years later and in a short time that I would learn the act of letting go. I never did. Probably because I don't think I've let my dad go. I tuck people and things in some place in my mind and I just don't deal with it until I absolutely have to. When that time comes I usually don't deal with it well and sometimes I go through these breakdowns. That would explain why when I have these vivid dreams about my father I wake up in tears and I have to hold them back for the rest of the day until I can push him back into that place where I don't have to deal with it.
   
4. I have let a man rob me of my confidence. I don't even need to discuss it.
   
5. I don't know what this is called but I have picked several fights with my boyfriend and been an all-out bitch to him this week over nothing while he is dealing with being homeless. There is an underlying reason but I still can't bring myself to tell anyone what it really is because then I feel like I will be on a clock, counting down how much more time it will take for us to break up. There's probably some psychological explanations for this.
   
6. I don't know how to or like to make decisions. From where me and a friend are having dinner to where I'm going to college (see #1). Even after making the decision to make my own decisions I have fallen short. I feel that I don't know how to make good ones because the ones I've made haven't been that great (but then again the ones others have made for me or have influenced me to make haven't ALWAYS been either so I'm just screwed).
   
7. I let other people's thoughts/opinions influence my decisions. Take a look at #1 again. I wouldn't have chosen Howard in the end but I kept getting that extra push from my family because they wanted to see me leave Cincinnati and get away from Ted more importantly.
   
8. I'm a bitch. Just a straight up bitch. I wasn't always like this either. I have been trying to figure out where in the past 5 years I have gone wrong, it was probably Howard.
   
9. I don't like kids but I can't wait to have one of my own. Doesn't make much sense…
   
10. I am the one and only reason I'm still in undergrad. I said it. I have blamed professors I have blamed HU, I have blamed financial aid but in the end, I've been the biggest thing standing in my way. I spent so much time trying do things my own way, not conform to the HU bullshit like being a suck up and so on and look where it has landed me.
    

Like I said, I don't know where this has come from but I'm going to stop at 10 even though there are so many more. I need to get back to packing and finding something else to eat since the pancakes have failed me…

Weekend Update

Yet another, mostly uneventful weekend has come and gone in this dreary summer.

I did get a text from Abba (I feel safe using his name because NOBODY knows what it really is, I usually identify him by his nationality lol) on Friday night asking to hang out on Saturday.

Background: we dated for a few months. I started off liking him but cultural differences and his over-all awkwardness just really turned me off. He also drunk-dialed/text me waaay too many times and he was flaky (always making plans and never coming through on any of them). I'd also started talking to the Jamaican after him which eventually just cancelled him out. I will admit he was totally gentleman at most times and a genuinely nice guy.

I alerted him to my dire financial situation but he insisted that he was inviting me out so it was on him. I was hesitant, but when he hit me up Saturday night I said yes to a movie. Now this was 100% NOT a date to me, I was bored and I needed out of the house (no I didn't tell The Boo where I was going…another one of those issues when you're in a long-distance relationship. I also didn't tell Abba that I was with somebody…I probably should have).

I know I'm about a month late but we saw The Hangover which was freakin hilarious! Another instance where I judged the preview and said "no thanks" immediately and then I was proven wrong. I had been hearing that it was good and it actually was! I might have to get that one on DVD cause it can surely bring laughter on a bad day.

So everything was going good until after the movie. I just wanted to go home, he wanted to drink…he wanted to get a bottle, go somewhere and get drunk. What?!?

I agreed to go with him to a bar and we ended up at BW3s (which I had been craving anyways) and I ordered a beer (the most unsexy drink ever (yuck!)) and he got wings for us. I had to endure the awkward moment of eating with him where he dropped a wing on himself and the floor and struggled to figure out just how he wanted to eat them. Then he wanted me to get another drink (ugh!).

Sidenote: I haven't been drinking nearly as much as I used to. Alcohol has soo many calories (which is probably why I put on so much weight last year, I've been broke, and now my tolerance is down or something.

I quickly downed another drink (mistake!) and I was ready to bounce. I felt soo sick on the way home. When he pulled up at my house I practically jumped out of the car for fear I was going to throw up. We had our awkward good-bye and I vowed to never
ever do anything like that again. When the time is right I will tell him that I do have a boyfriend and we can go back to not talking to each other. Thanks.

Late-night Ramblings/Randomness

I feel like I've totally been out of it these past two weeks.

Just got back from a weekend in NYC on Monday and put my brother on a plane back to Ohio before more family came Tuesday evening to bring a cousin to Gallaudet. Between helping them get her settled, working, and taking them site seeing, I have worn myself out (never really recovered from NYC in the first place).

They just hit the road for Ohio (not sure why at 2 am) and now I can't get back to sleep! Started catching up on my blog reading and finding out what's going on in the world.

One topic that's creating a lot of buzz is the birth of Nas and Kelis' son Knight. Poor thing was in labor for like 3 days and seemingly alone since they wouldn't let Nas in the room. Is anybody else just sick at the fact that they are divorcing?? I always looked at the two a certain way, they gave me hope in black love/marriage or something. Now all we've got is Beyonce and Jay-Z. At least the judge is making Nas give her some moolah cause the girl hasn't had a hit in a while.

Next, this Chris Brown apology video (SMH). Didn't this alleged beatdown happen like 4 months ago? Why is this story even relevant? And what does Chris Brown owe us? And why do we still care? I guess there were legal reasons why he couldn't apologize before but did his PR reps really think it was a good idea to remind us of what he did? I think that is about all of the energy I can give to that subject…I've been over that and Rihanna since February.

I was going to do a weekend update about my mini-vacay but I don't have much to talk about (so sad). Went to NYC but couldn't FULLY enjoy myself because I'm super duper broke. This summer has sucked in the financial department. Ran into my sister's ex (most awkward moment of my life), went to Coney Island for the first time and loved it, and spent Sunday in Brooklyn. I have to devote an entire sentence to the fact that I got both corn and a catfish burrito from Habana Café which made my whole trip!

At this point I'm just praying to the Lord to get me through this week and then I'm all about the Nasty Nati!

The truth is for the hoes…

"I'm out here tellin these hoes the truth! I lie to you because I care about yo feelings, girl!"

As a black person (or a white person who occasionally let's their TV idle on BET for a couple hours) might find recognize those words of Jody, the protagonist in the John Singleton movie Baby Boy. It comes from the part of the movie where Jody's baby momma and girl, Yvette, finds out that Jody's been creepin around and of course doin what n*ggas do best lying (please forgive me men but I feel it's the truth). Everybody knows and probably laughs all through that scene when they get to arguing, he hits her, and then goes and gives her some head to make up for it (like a n*gga would be still able to walk steadily on two legs out of my house, let alone the bedroom, after laying hands on me).

But this quote from this particular part of the movie just can't go unnoticed. Lying to the person you love because you're trying to save your ass you care about their feelings. I think almost everyone can say they are guilty of it, from something big to something small.

Girl: Does this top look ok with these shoes?

Boy: Yeah, baby, you look great…(Umm I can see all your fat rolls in that tiny ass top.)

Or

Boy Scorned: So how many times did you fuck him?

Cheatin Sista: 2. (5…wait there was that night in the hot tub…6.)

Of course we all beg for honesty, I think we are deserving of honesty. But I think by this point we all know the truth hurts. Yes, the man asks how many times his girl slept with another guy, but all he really needed to know was that it happened, right? Knowing the details only make him feel worse, right? HOWEVER, his girl is lying to him, isn't that wrong? If and when the truth comes out wouldn't that just create another, possibly bigger problem in the future?

While I would love to say honesty is the best policy, I'm guilty of being in both scenarios and in both roles at one time or another (well not quite sure about the first one lol).

Every time I watch Baby Boy and this scene comes up I always think about how this is the sad reality for relationships and it's so f*cked up what they're doing. I wanna give some great commentary about how people should just be honest and not lie but I cannot. I can only come up with more questions.

When you're in a relationship, you of course shouldn't be engaging in behavior that's going to put you in that situation in the first place but that is just the nature of the beast. However, one may argue why continue to lie to the person you love?

On the other side of the fence, you love the person you are with, not the person you messed around with. You love the person you are with, even if they are a little thicker, you like it (you just need them to buy clothes in their size). You know that telling them that they look fat or that they cheated is really going to hurt their feelings, would start a big argument, and could put a relationship that you want in jeopardy.

I need thoughts on this…

4th of July weekend catch-up

Ugh, after a lazy week last week and a fun weekend enjoying the nation's capitol, it's Monday and back to the usual.

I was off all week (which is going to kick my bank accounts butt next week). My plans for the 4^th were all over the place. Friday night I went for a late night walk on The Mall with the girls. We got down there around 10:30, there weather was nice, and there were a surprising number of people out. We walked from the Washington Monument to the WWII Memorial, and then to the Lincoln Monument. Everything looked so nice and pretty at night but I could have done without the walk along the dark, scary paths between the monuments. Oh and the bugs, yuck!

Saturday I headed to a small family cookout in the afternoon which was fun. Then I met the girls on The Mall for the fireworks. There were so many people, whack live music, and we had a great spot in front of the Washington Monument. It was fun experiencing Independence Day in Washington. I imagine Inauguration would have been fun like that if we had actually made it onto The Mall that day. I spread my little leopard print blanket out on the grass and chilled out for a few hours until dark. I thought the fireworks were some of the best I'd ever seen but according to some locals the recession had even hit the fireworks this year. My digital camera is no-more so hopefully my friends will put up the pics so I can post them too.

I really needed this weekend to enjoy myself and take my mind off some things. I've been having some serious issues with The Boo, almost to the point where I'm not really sure we're still going to be together for long. I don't really want to get into the details but things are NOT going good. I know that he is going through quite a lot now, I'm trying to be there for him but it's hard when I'm not there physically. I am hoping his visit to D.C. and an upcoming trip home can help the situation…

Speaking of home…

My family is coming! Not just to visit me exactly. Little Bruh and Lil cousin are coming out next Monday. My family purchased tickets into Baltimore and I've been left with the task of transporting the youngsters to NYC for a week with my Big Sis. Then I get a 3 day break before my aunt, her husband (no I DO NOT claim this man as my uncle), and my college-bound cousin come to town to get her settled in for her summer program. And then after that I hope to have The Boo out for a few days and then I'm headed to Cincinnati!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at all that delicious goodness right there. I can just taste the Skyline, UDF Cookies and Cream, and Penn Station cheese steaks already (I know I'm doing the most with my food visions). I've got weddings, family reunions, dress fittings, and lots of hookah smoking on my mind as well s I'm hoping this is going to be a good trip. I need a little break from the DC life and to me nothing is better than a Cincy summer.

For some reason this song was going through my head as I wrote this post…my song of the day.