I Miss...

Being independent.

Trips to The Diner in Adam's Morgan at 2 a.m.

Sitting out on the yard, people watching and having fun.

Riding the crowded Metro downtown.

Corner Bakery and Cosi sandwiches.

Montgomery Mall, Nordstrom, and Lord and Taylor.

Refund checks and having money in my pockets.

Long walks around the National Mall.

Movies by myself at Mazza Gallerie.

Hot Krispy Kreme Donuts and conversation in Dupont.

Driving around forever looking for parking.

Lunch dates with Andreas.

Happy hour at Alero after class.

Being a 4 hour bus ride away from NYC.

Hello Cupcake (are getting that I REALLY miss the food?)

I REALLY JUST MISS D.C.! 

I had to get that out.

Sometimes you feel like this....

One movie I absolutely love is Somethings Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. I think it's a cute, loving and funny movie and here is one scene/montage I absolutely love.

Keaton's character experiences the lows of love after falling in love with a guy and having her heart broken by his ass. I laugh everytime I see her in a different scene crying but right now I feel like kind of like her. Cut to me at any random point in the day and you'll probably see me going through the same thing (probably explains why I was inspired to write today). Anyways check it out...

Romantic Relationships

Why do people have romantic relationships anymore?

Are they even really worth all the trouble? The tears, the fights, and the heartache?

I know that there are only a few people in this world that are blessed enough to actually find a person with whom they share a mutual maturity level and love that really can endure…but in my opinion there are quite a few people out there that THINK they are in that select pool but really aren't. And then there the people that just don't and probably never will find something so real. And I think there's a lot more of those kinds of people in this world.

Relationships are hard they take this strange kind of work where two people are shooting for something that seems so simple. They can make you feel, say, and do things you never imagined.  They can build you up and they can seriously tear you down.

I thought about this for about an hour and a half while I waited for one of my best friends to come to my house. My friend is 23 years old and married to a guy she's been with since about our senior year of high school. This guy is about a year younger than her in age and even younger in the mental sense. In my opinion their marriage was one of passion and not well-thought out on either side. When her husband was struck with some sort of stress-related mental breakdown I guess it made them realize how much they loved each other and they decided to get married (I would pretty much say they eloped but I can't exactly cause the families were there but she didn't tell anybody else).

Not even a full year later, I have to provide a shoulder for this friend to cry on because her husband is cheating on her and just might leave for this other ex-girlfriend chick he's been messing with (I really am not trying to put her biz all out there…sorry). While I'm giving her words of encouragement and advising her to really examine the situation (I really just wanna tell her to bounce but I just don't think that's my place considering she is married to the dude) I'm asking myself why she even married him. Why did she even put herself in the position to go through this? To rearrange your life so that own happiness is placed in the hands of another person who will most likely let you down.

I know that nobody really wants to be alone but it seems that being alone is jut so much easier and maybe a little better if you're not in that small percentage of people that can really handle relationships.

This might be shameful....

But I can't get this freakin song out my head! I love it!



I know it's sad

Pretty Fly for a White Guy

I will admit, when I was younger I only ever liked White guys. I mean there were NO black boys in my little Catholic school class until like 3rd grade so they were I knew.

Not sure what happened or when this occurred, by I "crossed over" and I loved and appreciate my Black males. Sure there were White guys I thought were cute but that was about it. And after high school, it was OVER especially considering few guys I were around were kinda lame (yeah I said it).

Cut to college where I'm pretty much removed from White people in general (that's for another post!). However, I saw that new Jamie Foxx movie Law Abiding Citizen, over the weekend and I spent the entire time drooling over Gerard Butler!

I felt like making a list of White guys that could get it....(in no particular order)

1. Gerard Butler (he's newest to the list)

2. Jude Law (I mean did you see him in The Holiday?)

4. Johnny Depp

5. Channing Tatum

I could probably come up with a couple more...but let me slow my roll!

Precious: My Commentary

I was one of those unfortunate people that didn't get to see Precious this weekend because everybody and they momma did. Even though I'm in the midst of a stressful week, I took the time this evening to go see it. And now I'm gonna took a little more time out to give my commentary on the movie.
First, I better see some Oscar, Golden Globe, and all that ish nominees come out for this movie. Everyone, and literally everyone was good. Mariah suprised me (she looked a lil rough without the makeup) and I didn't realize how sexy Lenny Kravitz was until I saw him stripped down to a regular looking man in this movie. Mo'Nique...DAMN! I mean I freaking hated her! I'm still trying to remind myself it wasn't real because she was that good. Gabourey Sidibe was spectacular...she made Precious come alive and seem so real.

The movie addresses an issue that is a serious problem for all but particularly in the Black community. Men raping and molesting young children and women allowing it to happen.

In the end when Mo'Nique's character confesses to the things she did she displays a hatred for Precious for "taking her man". It was disgusting and disturbing that a woman can look down on her own child and blame them when the man they are with is abusing their child.

It's not that uncommon actually. It happens all the time but nobody ever knows until it's too late if they ever find out at all. Kids are afraid to talk, mothers blame their children and choose a man over there own child because they are hungry for a love of their own.

I'm happy to see this issue being discussed more and brought to the forefront (I've seen it in two films now in 2 weeks) and I hope that people begin to wake up and stop this monster from continuing to ruin children.

All the talk in the world, Lost in the world, Till you finally let that thing go

Paranoia (n.): a thought process heavily influenced by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.

Paranoia is a mofo. It can ruin things, it can turn you into a crazy person. When you suffer from it it overwhelms you, takes over, and consumes you.

I was never paranoid before. I always felt pretty good and secure about things/people in my life. But somewhere along the road of life, things happened and those things turned me into one of those paranoid people.

"You've got a f*cked up attitude, you're gonna be single forever." That's what this guy, I will refer to him as Herb-Man (because this most likely won't be the last time I refer to him in a post and that is also his Yahoo screen name), once told me. Mind you, Herb-Man had the nerve to say these things to me after it was revealed he had a girlfriend the entire time we were involved.

It seems like after I got duped by Herb-Man I was got duped a few more times even by those I never thought would do me that way. I became paranoid.

Paranoia can ruin things like relationships. Your heart tells you one thing but your paranoid mind tells you another and usually the paranoid mind wins.

My question is how do you get over paranoia? How do you let go of the things that made you paranoid in the first place? I really need to  know....

My biggest project when I was like 5

I just finished a dumb, long take-home exam about the destruction of the Tasmanian Aborigines. 

I 100% hate dumb projects and take-homes.

I hate bringing school home. When you're a kid (well when I was a kid) I got out of school and if I wasn't hitting the streets on my bike with my friends, I had plenty of great things to play with instead of being chained to a computer.

I found myself thinking about some random things tonight, things from my childhood. I remember things like finishing that really complicated Lite-Brite design were the only projects I had on my plate. 

So reminiscing on Lite-Bright got me thinking about all my cool ass toys I had when I was a kid...

*Sigh* those were the good ole days!

So what are you going to do?

I've been posting a lot about my life lately. That's not what this blog is supposed to be all about but I've just had a lot to talk about regarding my life.

Now that I've established I will graduating this December (if I pass this crazy Patterns in Math class), I hear the question of what I'm going to do with myself after almost everyday. My only response has been a shrug of my shoulders and then for at least the next 2 hours I'm tossing the same question around in my head, weighing my options, and really trying to figure it out.

I've been looking forward to moving back home after crying about how much I miss Cincy for the last 5.5 years. However, when I really think about it, I'm not sure I could stand being there for more than a few weeks.

I'm tossing around the idea of moving to NYC with my sister. When I was younger New York was going to be home just as soon as I could get away. That dream faded slightly but the idea is tapping on my shoulder, asking for another chance. I don't know if I could shack up with my sis (she would make me crazy! Skinny but crazy!) but it could also be just what I need.

As a substitute for going home I've also been considering Chicago. I love the Midwest. I miss the Midwest. If I can't be in Cincy, Chicago sounds like the next best place. It's Midwestern, something tells me it wouldn't be too hard to find a job there, I would be much closer to home than I am now, I have family there, I really like Chicago (even though I've only actually been there twice and never really to see the city)...the list goes on.

Sometimes my mind gets really adventurous and I consider just moving somewhere far like Los Angeles or Houston (I looove Houston). I think about just applying for jobs anywhere and taking the best one I get offered, regardless of the location. There are factors like my family, maybe The Boo a little (although we're on the rocks and I don't know if I can give up my dreams for some man that's not giving up anything for me), and the money factor that shut that down for me.

Finally there's just staying here in DC. So many Howard folks do it. The job market for PR and event planning is good, there are lot of opportunities, it's close to everything (NYC, Philly, etc.). I have such a love-hate relationship (currently HATE) with the DMV but I really just don't see this as the place for me.






I look at all my friends who have graduated and are trying and working hard to make it and start their lives. I don't even know where to begin. After high school my plan was already set without questions or doubt but now I just don't know where I am going! These next couple of months should very interesting....

The thing in DC I HATE!

It's been on my mind to post about this for a while but the other night sent me over the edge. I was dealing with two European men who were trying to convice me that two cars could fit in a space for one. I mean I thought driving in New York was bad but my few driving experiences there don't even compare to my DC experience


I was headed to Macy's at Metro Center (downtown DC) for a fashion show event that was apart of the Congression Black Caucus Conference weekend. Traffic was HORRIBLE (as usual in DC)! Of course I'm going to stay people in the DMV (DC, MD, VA) area can't drive. Here are a few instances of the ignorance I encounter:

• People using the highway onramp as a lane. I've never seen this until I got here. I have seen people swerve over onto the onramp just to pass a few cars. Is that even legal?
• People who don't know where they're going so they drive extra slow or just stop in the middle of the street with 10 cars behind them. Why don't you pull over and get yourself together? I know DC streets can be semi-confusing and GPS systems have a hard time keeping up but there ARE others behind you that know where they are going so why don't you move over? I almost hit somebody this morning who couldn't figure out if they wanted to turn or not.
• New York Avenue. One of the busiest streets in the city and the street where people like to get foolish with their driving. Swerving in and out of lanes, driving 10 miles below the speed limit, and those annoying red light and speeding camera.
• Parking enforcement. I like them as much as I like cabs and taxis (see below). These people seem to get pleasure from giving tickets. I've heard stories of "officers" smiling, telling themselves they're gonna get people. They act like they get some kind of commission off the tickets the write and they give you a ticket for almost anything...they are just plain thirsty!
• Speaking of...DC parking meters. They never work! I hate when I lose a quarter to a broken meter. I also do not like those pay to park machines. They never can take your credit card and they don't take cash so it really defeats the purpose!
• DC cops driving with those lights on. I don't get it...
• People driving with their brights on. So many people do this, especially people in trucks. Maybe they do it so they can blind folks in smaller cars and rule the road or something. It's so rude!
• CABS AND TAXIS!!!!! Can't freakin stand them! They do all of the above. Make random u-turns in the middle of traffic, and drive extremely slow or wreckless. What's even worse is they are racist and ridiculous. They won't take anywhere they don't wanna go. They hold up traffic trying to ask potential fares where they are going before they let them in. There were nights I would get into Chinatown from NYC and I would need a cab ride to my dorm. I would have to beg and barter with the drivers to take me to Howard.

Anybody that's been in the car with me will say it's just road rage. But this stuff bothers me. Can't wait to get back to Ohio where people drive semi-normally, hehe....

Oh That's Not Jennifer!

I'm just not understanding. This also happened while I was heading to the Macy's event for the CBC Convention. Now I know that during the CBC Convention weekend, there are a lot of people out, the chances of seeing some fine-ass good-looking men just hitting the streets headed to a party or event are high, and there are all kinds of black people from all over the country in town.

Because of the traffic situation, I was forced to park like 5 blocks away from the event and trek up to the department store. As I'm briskly walking, flip-flops on and heels in hand I hear a woman coming towards me but I'm not really thinking much of it. It's not until she's right in my face yelling "Jennifer! Jennifer!" that I even notice her.

I look at her and she goes (with slight disappointment) "Oh you're not Jennifer....how you doing, baby?"

I politely smile, say hi, and chalk it up to too many drinks or they're just crazy. But a few steps later I realized just who this Jennifer is....

Two years ago for my birthday we went to dinner at Union Station. I was looking cute, hair curly (yes kind of like how she wore hers when she had the long weave) cute outfit, and everything. We were walking through this huge train station to the resturaunt when a man pushing a mail cart stops suddenly, grabs my wrist and says, "Oh my God Jennifer Hudson! Can I have your autograph?"

I laughed it off but the man was dead-*ss serious! And he looked so hurt that it wasn't me!

Am I missing something?

(Me)

                                                        (J. Hud)

These are just a couple of instances, I have plenty more stories of mistaken identity. Personally I don't see it. People tell me I should be flattered because she's pretty and I think she is. But I don't think I look like her! And I will admit it kind of stings when I see the disappointed look on people's faces when they realize it's not her....maybe it's time to go back to short hair.

A Dedication...

I recieved a frantic 1:30 a.m. call Friday from my sister. I was knocked out but I of course answered because she didn't usually call me so late.

She informed me that she had been in a movie that night and when she got out her phone was bombarded with calls, voicemails, and texts. She told me that our cousin had died in Brooklyn that night.

Ajile Turner was only 38. It was until today that I got the full story of what happened that night in Brooklyn but I was told that he had been in a motorcycle accident.

I was shocked. We got off the phone abruptly because she was going to call a cab to take her from Harlem over to his apartment because she could not reach anyone.

I certainly couldn't go back to sleep. My mind went back to the last time I was in Brooklyn which was this summer. He was around in I believe Prospect Park (there are two big parks over there, one had a big concert going on and the other was just a major hangout spot) and we were over at Habana enjoying burritos and corn. There were guys on bikes everywhere but unfortunately I didn't get to see him.

The last time I saw Ajile was at Habana Cafe (my first time there) just after he purchased the bike that would eventually kill him. It was a big secret, he warned me not to tell my mother because he wasn't ready for his to know. It was the first time I'd seen him since maybe high school. I hardly remember him going back to Cincinnati for anything and he was constantly travelling to Hawaii to surf (something he loved) or somewhere in the winter to snowboard (his new love).

That last time I saw him I saw him smiling, surrounded by so many people who were also touched by him. It seemed as though everybody there knew him. I remember Malik Yoba was there and when I stepped outside the gate my cousin was there chatting with him and he wasted no time introducing me, his little cousin, to Malik and everybody else standing around. Mos Def came through as well and made sure he gave a nod to Ajlie as well. I looked at him that day and I thought he was just so cool. Yeah he was the cousin of rapper Common, but all that seemed trivial to me. Rashid is like a cousin to me as well, not some big shot rapper. Ajile knew real celebs, lol.

Even though I didn't see Ajile much, I don't remember a time in my life that I didn't know him. I should add that we are not cousins by blood or marriage but simply by the fact that our mothers were once great friends, his mother was almost a mother to me. For my sister, he was a best friend. A relative in New York whom she could always call on and who she would always be there for.

This post is for Ajile who I believe was taken too soon. My thoughts and prayers are with the rest of his family and all of his friends who are mourning the loss of an amazing person.

My memory of that fateful day

On September 11, 2001 I was sitting in the library of St. Ursula Academy, my second bell was coming to an end (we were on block schedules what you know bout that?). Our principle Frances Romweber came over the PA. Now you could almost always tell what kind of message we were about to get by the tone of her voice and the greet she began with.

"Ursula women listen up," she said.

She told us a plane had struck the first tower of the World Trade Center in NYC. It was about then I noted the librarian had her television on a few people were standing around it. I looked at the faces of my classmates, jaws were dropped, even my teacher was stopped. Everyone frantically went to CNN.com or their preferred news site and the image of the tower in flames popped on every screen.


I remember we only had about a 5 minute window between the announcement and the bell ringing so I had to tear myself away for 3rd bell. My teacher started class with a few tears and a prayer (I went to Catholic school so this was okay). By lunch, students were piled in the foryer of the school watching news converage and a few saw the second plane crash into the South tower . Some were crying, some were praying, the air was just thick with emotions.

And then I was hit with the realization that my sister lives in NYC. The tears came I just broke down. People that know me know I'm like obsessed with my sis I talk about her all the time. My Spanish teacher Mr. Fletcher walked over and said two words "your sister..."

That's all I really remember because I was a wreck the entire rest of the day worrying about her. Mind you she hardly ever goes down there except to hit up Century 21 an amazing discount store.

When I got home that night I discovered my sis was up for a temp job in the WTC that very day....she overslept and never made it. I praised and thanked God for his goodness and mercy that she never got up. But writing this blog made me think about all those who got up on time, went to work, and never made it home. I'm saying an extra prayer for them and their families tonight.

Take Me Home

Every so often in the middle of BET's The Game marathon a Tide commercial comes on that I love. It's a father and his son who has just gotten out of a bath. The father as wrapped his son in a crisp white towel and you can see they are having a nice father/son moment together...peep the commercial:

Not only do I love it because it shows a positive, black father/son relationship, but I actually listened to the words of the woman singing "take me home...".

I couldn't help but think of my own personal "crisp white towel" that bring me warmth and comfort. And, crazy as it may sound, that place is Cincinnati....The Nasty Nati, Porkopolis, etc.

Cincinnati is my home, my safety blanket, my safe haven if you will. Just the thought of home evokes a sense of comfort. No matter how broke, sick, or hurt I am, the minute I see Kings Island on I-71 when I'm driving in I feel 10 times better. It's where my family is and most of my friends and that is where my real comfort zone is. These are a few of my favorite things:

• A Skyline Chili 3-way, 
• Walking around Eden Park or sitting on the benches looking over at Kentucky with The Boo or friends
  
• Riding bikes with my father
  
• A hefty scoop of Graeter's mocha chip ice cream or UDF Cookies and Cream
  
• Shopping at Kroger's at 2 a.m. or whenever the spirit moves me
  
• sitting on my Grandma Geneva's porch on Blair Ave. in the summers
• cruising in my old Ford Escort with my girls around Avondale
• Hitting the Avondale drive-thru just for a pop
• Hearing people refer to Coke, Sprite, etc. as pop
• Family dinners at my Grandma Katie's house and always wondering who would stroll in next
• The Taste of Cincinnati
• The Black Family Reunions (the way they used to be when folks were fighting every 5 secs)
  
• Bengals games (though I haven't been to one since before high school)

I could go on forever. But here are some pics instead...

Weekend Update: How the Broke Do It

Considering my current financial and living situation I was forced endure another boring weekend in the house. I manage to score a few dollars on Friday (thanks to my lovely sister D) and I enjoyed the feeling of having some money in my account for about a day until that feeling was stolen from me (thanks to Wachovia, the worst bank in America...oh and Washington Sports Club for ruining it too!). I did manage to make a trip to Target for some food basics and I did manage to put a little gas in the Jetta before my financial world came crashing down again.

I promised my aunt I would take my younger cousin to Old Navy to get some clothes since she literally came to college with enough clothes to last her about a week and a half (well I mean good clothes=not sweats). My cousin in 19, deaf, and beginning her freshman year at Gallaudet University. I will admit my family has done her kind of wrong. None of us learned sign language or even learned to communicate with her which in turn left her feeling as though she is not a part of the family. In fact, I'll admit she and I had our first "real" conversation a few years ago through text messages and AOL Instant Messenger. I can't leave out the fact that she has been treated like an adopted child by her own mother and well tapped for those amazing disability checks the government throws at the deaf. 


When she moved to D.C. my family made it clear they wanted me to teach her how to dress. She's a basketballer and mostly a baggy sweats and big t-shirts kind of girl. She's also ballin on a budget so we hit up Old Navy to get her a few things. She made it clear she needed no help from me and she even picked a couple cute outfits for herself (she did decide to trash the cutest one she put together). Because I still have yet to learn sign language, we typed Blackberry messages to each other and things went rather smoothly. 
Dropping her off at her dorm afterwards, I watched her sign and laugh with her other deaf friends. I think I'm gonna have to ask her for some lessons...

The rest of the weekend I spent in the house with The Boo. We watched the BET marathon of the "The Game". I even popped in "Dreamgirls" last night and we shared some laughs. It was honestly the most fun we've had together in a while. 
This morning I got a call from my mother and sister D. I had called my mother on Sunday feeling a little distraught about my financial situation and she made it clear she "couldn't deal with crisis" at the time. So she decided to deal with it this morning by jumping on my case about getting yet another job (I'm currently working two and if I ever get financial aid that will be 3). She said several times I needed to go get a job at the White House (because you can totally just walk up to the front door and put in an application for any job you desire) and that I needed to "get off my butt and do something."
I ended up hanging up on them. 


Totally not looking forward to a week of waking up at 6:00 every morning and fighting Howard for my financial aid. Sometimes I just wish I could drop out.

The importance of family

Family is something that means something different to everyone and every family. It's a personal thing. Each person has their own idea on what role family has, what family is supposed to be or do, and really how important family is to them.

General these ideas are the same within families. You develop these notions because you were raised on them and you adopt them, they become apart of you. Occasionally, there are those that say "umm no" and they develop their own, new ideas or notions of family.

Now personally, I say family is the backbone. The people you will get down for no matter what and you know will get down for you (you have to admit even in extreme cases such as addictions, financial factors, etc.). The word unconditional love comes to mind. Family is the reason you have life and at the end of the day, your family is still your family. You have the same blood running through your veins, you are linked together in ways that really cannot be fully understood.

As I previously stated there are always those that don't seem to catch that same outlook in a family unit that predominantly feels the same way. It's a hard thing dealing with a family member that to me has no sense of family.

I have one such family member who has of late decided to show their true colors. At this point in my life I am dealing with some difficult situations and I will honestly say am my lowest. It's times such as these that you are to call on your family which for the most part has come through but this family member has made it clear they can't be called on. I struggle with this because I know that my father, would have moved mountains for her and practically did when he was alive and had the capabilities. Her father, the kindest man anyone had ever met (I heard this from everyone when I was child), would probably be disappointed in her actions.

I am not upset with her, I'm honestly not harboring any anger (even though I've devoted an entire blog post to the situation) I'm simply disappointed. As with most things I have learned from this. I have learned that if and when I have the means to help my family members I will do what I can for them. When my brother goes off to college I will break my neck to make sure that he is taken care of and when my future neices and nephews go to college or simply need something from me I will help them any way that I can. I promise myself that I will not let this rub off on me. I will continue to keep my ideals of family and it's purpose and importance.

Ok that's my rant for the day :-)...C

When do you know it’s time to throw in the towel?

I never seem to know when to myself.

It's something I've been thinking about for the past week though.

I've been examining every detail, every part of my relationship with my boyfriend and I have asked myself if we are beating a dead horse at this point.

We've been doing this thing on and off for the past 7 years. We've had so many problems, so many trials, until recently others have come and gone for both of us. We've both had to do some growing up (I will admit mostly me). But this last time that we've gotten back together I pledged to myself that it was going to be different. I told myself before when even got back together that when we were back together we would be doing this thing for real. But as of right now, I'm struggling to figure out what that even means.

I thought it meant me being the woman he always wanted to be: a loving, faithful girlfriend, a nice person and not an evil bitch, looking at our relationship and moving it towards the future. There were certain problems that I knew existed, a number of them had existed since we first met back in good old 2002, but I had somehow managed to convince myself that they could be worked out, dealt with, and gotten over.

But the more time that goes on I'm wondering if we should have left us alone. As previously stated I have issues with letting go. Part of the reason I never just let things go was because I didn't want to have to deal with the pain of getting over him and I knew it would take quite a while. I've always been the one to do the breaking up to later regret the decision and I've always been the one left working my ass off to fix things. But this time I'm wondering if we should have left this alone a long time ago.

I hear about married couples and people taking years to make the decision to leave the person they are married to. Or women who keep going back to men time after time until they've made decision to really remove themselves from the situation.

But when you're not married or getting in your ass kicked how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel on a relationship? How do you bring yourself to end something you're not really sure you want to end in the first place?

I remember seeing this video the last time I was begging him to take me back and I just related so much. I feel like it's kind of appropriate now....

If we never make mistakes…

Wouldn't life be semi-boring? Would we ever really learn thing in life? How could we know our boundaries? How do we discover our strengths and weakneses?

Yes, there are some mistakes, very serious ones, where you do things and for a long time (sometimes your whole life) you wish you had never made them. But there are also mistakes, those really bad ones included, that shape you and make you who you are.

My sister is 17 year older than myself. So that means by the time I was born, she had gone through quite a few of those life things that we all must go through. Things that are painful, unpleasant, etc. As she watched me become an adult she attempted to shield me from those things. She attempted to save me time by telling me upfront what would happen if I were to do certain things and she always worked to steer me in the direction that would cause me the least pain.

Now there were some instances where I admit, she told me to or not to do certain things, and I did them anyways. Giving it up to Hooking up with that cute, football player, stud type who inevitably took my heart and flicked it down on the ground. But even after the pain, I learned what I was capable of, what kind of man I wanted, etc.

What makes me crazy are those individuals who give you advice on a subject, demand that you follow it, and even though you know they are only thinking of you, they get upset when you don't do exactly what they tell you to. What's even worse is when they get so upset that you don't take their advice that they shun you, push you away, put some sort of stigma on you.

My sis has a quote on her Facebook that begins "you are my friend when you can guard my failures…". That is one thing that many do not do and only few of us are lucky enough to find a friend like that. A real friend will not kick you when you are down. To me they won't hit with that "told you so" bullsh*t.

In the past year I will admit I have made my share of mistakes, many that were preventable had I simply heeded the advice and warnings of others. But many of these mistakes have taught me valuable lessons. I think it's always different when you have to experience that pain or go through a struggle rather than just hearing about it. As long as I never make the same mistakes twice, I think I'm good. I hope one of these days I can just start listening to others and stop putting myself through so much crap.

The best sandwich like ever!

I'm sitting at work, hungry, thinking about all of the wonderful food I could be having right now (if I wasn't broke) and my mind keeps wandering back to a sandwich I ordered at Cosi's.

I had Cosi's for the first time last week. My friends had gone and raved about it. I pass by there all the time. I was running late for work when I ascended from the Dupont Circle metro and my legs transported me into Cosi's.

I ordered a Grilled Chicken TBM but with no tomatoes (yuck) so that meant grilled chicken breast, basil, fresh mozzarella, this amazing Cosi vinagrette dressing...HEAVEN! I'm salivating...

Afternoon Ramblings…

I'm really messed…I just realized it.

I'm sitting here having another fight with my soon-to-be ex boyfriend an eating some pancakes (because that's all the food I have at this point) and I am just struggling to chew these thick-ass fluffy ass pancakes. I realize I don't even really like pancakes.

I will eat them, of course, they are a great breakfast staple but only if I have to. I only have the pancake mix because I had brunch here for some friends earlier this summer and it's the last thing I have left.

More, deeper realizations I've tried to ignore hit me:

1. I wish I had never gone to Howard University. Yes, this has truly been an experience. I've met some amazing as well as not-so-amazing people during my time here. Howard has changed me for the better and for the worst. It's true what they say about Howard, after you're gone there's somebody out there that's gonna look up to the fact that you went there even though you know it really aint shit. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't come to Howard I would be out of undergrad by down and I probably wouldn't be in so much debt. But hey maybe the grass just looks greener on the other side. Then again when I am out of this horrid place/phase I'm in right now AND undergrad I will probably (fuck that) look back at HU with much fondness…maybe.
   
2. I want to get married….like NOW. I told my girls at dinner that while I did wanna get married, I wasn't ready yet. I'm probably right but there is a nagging feeling inside of me that wants it now. Maybe it's because I see so many others around me doing it, maybe I want a "permanent" end to the loneliness I've been enduring for the past few years, maybe I'm just afraid I will end up like my mom or sister. 50 and married for the first time, 40 never married and no kids. I want to overcome that!
   
3. I don't know how to let go. I mean of anything. I thought having lost a parent at the age of 12 and several loved ones only a few years later and in a short time that I would learn the act of letting go. I never did. Probably because I don't think I've let my dad go. I tuck people and things in some place in my mind and I just don't deal with it until I absolutely have to. When that time comes I usually don't deal with it well and sometimes I go through these breakdowns. That would explain why when I have these vivid dreams about my father I wake up in tears and I have to hold them back for the rest of the day until I can push him back into that place where I don't have to deal with it.
   
4. I have let a man rob me of my confidence. I don't even need to discuss it.
   
5. I don't know what this is called but I have picked several fights with my boyfriend and been an all-out bitch to him this week over nothing while he is dealing with being homeless. There is an underlying reason but I still can't bring myself to tell anyone what it really is because then I feel like I will be on a clock, counting down how much more time it will take for us to break up. There's probably some psychological explanations for this.
   
6. I don't know how to or like to make decisions. From where me and a friend are having dinner to where I'm going to college (see #1). Even after making the decision to make my own decisions I have fallen short. I feel that I don't know how to make good ones because the ones I've made haven't been that great (but then again the ones others have made for me or have influenced me to make haven't ALWAYS been either so I'm just screwed).
   
7. I let other people's thoughts/opinions influence my decisions. Take a look at #1 again. I wouldn't have chosen Howard in the end but I kept getting that extra push from my family because they wanted to see me leave Cincinnati and get away from Ted more importantly.
   
8. I'm a bitch. Just a straight up bitch. I wasn't always like this either. I have been trying to figure out where in the past 5 years I have gone wrong, it was probably Howard.
   
9. I don't like kids but I can't wait to have one of my own. Doesn't make much sense…
   
10. I am the one and only reason I'm still in undergrad. I said it. I have blamed professors I have blamed HU, I have blamed financial aid but in the end, I've been the biggest thing standing in my way. I spent so much time trying do things my own way, not conform to the HU bullshit like being a suck up and so on and look where it has landed me.
    

Like I said, I don't know where this has come from but I'm going to stop at 10 even though there are so many more. I need to get back to packing and finding something else to eat since the pancakes have failed me…