Afternoon Ramblings…

I'm really messed…I just realized it.

I'm sitting here having another fight with my soon-to-be ex boyfriend an eating some pancakes (because that's all the food I have at this point) and I am just struggling to chew these thick-ass fluffy ass pancakes. I realize I don't even really like pancakes.

I will eat them, of course, they are a great breakfast staple but only if I have to. I only have the pancake mix because I had brunch here for some friends earlier this summer and it's the last thing I have left.

More, deeper realizations I've tried to ignore hit me:

1. I wish I had never gone to Howard University. Yes, this has truly been an experience. I've met some amazing as well as not-so-amazing people during my time here. Howard has changed me for the better and for the worst. It's true what they say about Howard, after you're gone there's somebody out there that's gonna look up to the fact that you went there even though you know it really aint shit. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't come to Howard I would be out of undergrad by down and I probably wouldn't be in so much debt. But hey maybe the grass just looks greener on the other side. Then again when I am out of this horrid place/phase I'm in right now AND undergrad I will probably (fuck that) look back at HU with much fondness…maybe.
   
2. I want to get married….like NOW. I told my girls at dinner that while I did wanna get married, I wasn't ready yet. I'm probably right but there is a nagging feeling inside of me that wants it now. Maybe it's because I see so many others around me doing it, maybe I want a "permanent" end to the loneliness I've been enduring for the past few years, maybe I'm just afraid I will end up like my mom or sister. 50 and married for the first time, 40 never married and no kids. I want to overcome that!
   
3. I don't know how to let go. I mean of anything. I thought having lost a parent at the age of 12 and several loved ones only a few years later and in a short time that I would learn the act of letting go. I never did. Probably because I don't think I've let my dad go. I tuck people and things in some place in my mind and I just don't deal with it until I absolutely have to. When that time comes I usually don't deal with it well and sometimes I go through these breakdowns. That would explain why when I have these vivid dreams about my father I wake up in tears and I have to hold them back for the rest of the day until I can push him back into that place where I don't have to deal with it.
   
4. I have let a man rob me of my confidence. I don't even need to discuss it.
   
5. I don't know what this is called but I have picked several fights with my boyfriend and been an all-out bitch to him this week over nothing while he is dealing with being homeless. There is an underlying reason but I still can't bring myself to tell anyone what it really is because then I feel like I will be on a clock, counting down how much more time it will take for us to break up. There's probably some psychological explanations for this.
   
6. I don't know how to or like to make decisions. From where me and a friend are having dinner to where I'm going to college (see #1). Even after making the decision to make my own decisions I have fallen short. I feel that I don't know how to make good ones because the ones I've made haven't been that great (but then again the ones others have made for me or have influenced me to make haven't ALWAYS been either so I'm just screwed).
   
7. I let other people's thoughts/opinions influence my decisions. Take a look at #1 again. I wouldn't have chosen Howard in the end but I kept getting that extra push from my family because they wanted to see me leave Cincinnati and get away from Ted more importantly.
   
8. I'm a bitch. Just a straight up bitch. I wasn't always like this either. I have been trying to figure out where in the past 5 years I have gone wrong, it was probably Howard.
   
9. I don't like kids but I can't wait to have one of my own. Doesn't make much sense…
   
10. I am the one and only reason I'm still in undergrad. I said it. I have blamed professors I have blamed HU, I have blamed financial aid but in the end, I've been the biggest thing standing in my way. I spent so much time trying do things my own way, not conform to the HU bullshit like being a suck up and so on and look where it has landed me.
    

Like I said, I don't know where this has come from but I'm going to stop at 10 even though there are so many more. I need to get back to packing and finding something else to eat since the pancakes have failed me…

Song of the Day: Clipse "I'm Good"

For me there is nothing better than a N.E.R.D./Neptunes beat (well besides Kanye's of course). I love them.

I'm really feeling the second of two singles from their new album Till The Casket Drops called "I'm Good". Maybe I'm just feeling the beat and Pharrell's echo underneath their rapping but I had to make this my song of the day, it's going hard on the iPod....

I’m getting the ich…

So I did say that I'm girl that loves fashion.

Unfortunately, the current financial climate in my life has severely impacted my ability to satisfy my hunger for the fashion I so desire. I remember the days when I would stay up, perusing my favorite sites like Nordstrom.com, Torrid.com, NeimanMarcus (I told you champagne tastes, Wild Irish Rose budget) scoping out the what I wanted and needed and loved! Nowadays I spend my nights checking Craigslist, Idealist, and blogging (WOMP!).

But today I couldn't take it anymore. I'm on a high from securing an internship for the Fall (God is good all the time!) and I just started going at it like they are going to be paying me in this internship…they aren't. Just a few of the teasers…

This cute little number is actually only $15.80 at Forever 21

I CANNOT WAIT to try out their plus-size line.

I can just see the potential in this dress…Torrid models almost never look good in the clothes….

A girl can never have too many maxi dresses

I've been eyeing this bag for waaay too long.

*Sigh*...I had to stop when i felt a little foam forming in my mouth...

Song of the Day

I'm taking back, all the way back to high school.

Back then this song was just another dance song I used to laugh at with my black friends and dance crazy to with my white friends.

Last night I was ironing my hair, iTunes was on shuffle, and this came on. I was already in a weird mood and something had me actually listening to the words and I was like "wow this is kinda deep".

An excerpt from the 2^nd verse:

You think you've got it
Ohh, you think you've got it
But got it just don't get it
Till' there's nothing at
AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaallllll..
We get together
Ohh, we get together
But seperate's always better when there's feelings
InvooooooOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOlved
If what they say is "Nothing is forever"
Then what makes, Then what makes, Then what makes
Then what makes, Then what makes LOOVVEEE?
(Love exception) So why you, why you
Why you, why you, why you are we so in denial
When we know we're not happy heeeerrreeee...
Y'all don't want me here you just wanna dance

Despite his sometimes strange delivery, Andre 3K does delivery knowledge!

Weekend Update

Yet another, mostly uneventful weekend has come and gone in this dreary summer.

I did get a text from Abba (I feel safe using his name because NOBODY knows what it really is, I usually identify him by his nationality lol) on Friday night asking to hang out on Saturday.

Background: we dated for a few months. I started off liking him but cultural differences and his over-all awkwardness just really turned me off. He also drunk-dialed/text me waaay too many times and he was flaky (always making plans and never coming through on any of them). I'd also started talking to the Jamaican after him which eventually just cancelled him out. I will admit he was totally gentleman at most times and a genuinely nice guy.

I alerted him to my dire financial situation but he insisted that he was inviting me out so it was on him. I was hesitant, but when he hit me up Saturday night I said yes to a movie. Now this was 100% NOT a date to me, I was bored and I needed out of the house (no I didn't tell The Boo where I was going…another one of those issues when you're in a long-distance relationship. I also didn't tell Abba that I was with somebody…I probably should have).

I know I'm about a month late but we saw The Hangover which was freakin hilarious! Another instance where I judged the preview and said "no thanks" immediately and then I was proven wrong. I had been hearing that it was good and it actually was! I might have to get that one on DVD cause it can surely bring laughter on a bad day.

So everything was going good until after the movie. I just wanted to go home, he wanted to drink…he wanted to get a bottle, go somewhere and get drunk. What?!?

I agreed to go with him to a bar and we ended up at BW3s (which I had been craving anyways) and I ordered a beer (the most unsexy drink ever (yuck!)) and he got wings for us. I had to endure the awkward moment of eating with him where he dropped a wing on himself and the floor and struggled to figure out just how he wanted to eat them. Then he wanted me to get another drink (ugh!).

Sidenote: I haven't been drinking nearly as much as I used to. Alcohol has soo many calories (which is probably why I put on so much weight last year, I've been broke, and now my tolerance is down or something.

I quickly downed another drink (mistake!) and I was ready to bounce. I felt soo sick on the way home. When he pulled up at my house I practically jumped out of the car for fear I was going to throw up. We had our awkward good-bye and I vowed to never
ever do anything like that again. When the time is right I will tell him that I do have a boyfriend and we can go back to not talking to each other. Thanks.

Song of the Day

If you don't have that new Maxwell album BLACKsummers'night, please immediately go purchase it (especially if you're a fan). I've never bought a Maxwell cd before, I listened to his music before but I am thankful to be old enough to appreciate his music now that he's back (and sexier than ever if you ask me). I've been playing this song Stop the World nonstop but the whole CD goes hard! I just wish there were more songs. Check it out and Youtube some of the other songs if you're skeptical :-)

Late-night Ramblings/Randomness

I feel like I've totally been out of it these past two weeks.

Just got back from a weekend in NYC on Monday and put my brother on a plane back to Ohio before more family came Tuesday evening to bring a cousin to Gallaudet. Between helping them get her settled, working, and taking them site seeing, I have worn myself out (never really recovered from NYC in the first place).

They just hit the road for Ohio (not sure why at 2 am) and now I can't get back to sleep! Started catching up on my blog reading and finding out what's going on in the world.

One topic that's creating a lot of buzz is the birth of Nas and Kelis' son Knight. Poor thing was in labor for like 3 days and seemingly alone since they wouldn't let Nas in the room. Is anybody else just sick at the fact that they are divorcing?? I always looked at the two a certain way, they gave me hope in black love/marriage or something. Now all we've got is Beyonce and Jay-Z. At least the judge is making Nas give her some moolah cause the girl hasn't had a hit in a while.

Next, this Chris Brown apology video (SMH). Didn't this alleged beatdown happen like 4 months ago? Why is this story even relevant? And what does Chris Brown owe us? And why do we still care? I guess there were legal reasons why he couldn't apologize before but did his PR reps really think it was a good idea to remind us of what he did? I think that is about all of the energy I can give to that subject…I've been over that and Rihanna since February.

I was going to do a weekend update about my mini-vacay but I don't have much to talk about (so sad). Went to NYC but couldn't FULLY enjoy myself because I'm super duper broke. This summer has sucked in the financial department. Ran into my sister's ex (most awkward moment of my life), went to Coney Island for the first time and loved it, and spent Sunday in Brooklyn. I have to devote an entire sentence to the fact that I got both corn and a catfish burrito from Habana Café which made my whole trip!

At this point I'm just praying to the Lord to get me through this week and then I'm all about the Nasty Nati!

I want to but I just can't!

Ok so this Steve Harvey book Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man is kind of like that dumb movie you've seen the previews for, mentally told yourself you were never going to go see it, and then when it came out found out that everybody else saw it and thought it was amazing! You're kind of like what? You actually liked that??

When I first heard that Steve Harvey was coming out with a book on relationships I was like umm no thanks. What is funny-man Steve Harvey gonna tell me?

Aparently he told some women a lot because the book became hit! Everybody was talking about it (nobody could get past that 90-day rule he said women should impose) and it seemed women were learning to act like a lady but think like a man. Even my sister snagged a copy and raved about it to me and how much I needed to read it. I said I would get a copy but of course never did so she broke down and bought one for me which I got when I went to visit this weekend (more on that in another post).

I brought the book into work with me and all it took was a glance at the chapters and their descriptions to make me throw the book down on the desk and back away like a giant spider came crawling out of it. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to read this! The damn table of contents has already confirmed several of my fears/ideas about men and I just don't know if I can handle it!

I brought my lil ghetto, thug-drama book I've been trying to finish for weeks as well, I think I'm gonna stick with that for now. Please believe when I finally do pick up this book and start reading there will be lots of posts with thoughts!

The truth is for the hoes…

"I'm out here tellin these hoes the truth! I lie to you because I care about yo feelings, girl!"

As a black person (or a white person who occasionally let's their TV idle on BET for a couple hours) might find recognize those words of Jody, the protagonist in the John Singleton movie Baby Boy. It comes from the part of the movie where Jody's baby momma and girl, Yvette, finds out that Jody's been creepin around and of course doin what n*ggas do best lying (please forgive me men but I feel it's the truth). Everybody knows and probably laughs all through that scene when they get to arguing, he hits her, and then goes and gives her some head to make up for it (like a n*gga would be still able to walk steadily on two legs out of my house, let alone the bedroom, after laying hands on me).

But this quote from this particular part of the movie just can't go unnoticed. Lying to the person you love because you're trying to save your ass you care about their feelings. I think almost everyone can say they are guilty of it, from something big to something small.

Girl: Does this top look ok with these shoes?

Boy: Yeah, baby, you look great…(Umm I can see all your fat rolls in that tiny ass top.)

Or

Boy Scorned: So how many times did you fuck him?

Cheatin Sista: 2. (5…wait there was that night in the hot tub…6.)

Of course we all beg for honesty, I think we are deserving of honesty. But I think by this point we all know the truth hurts. Yes, the man asks how many times his girl slept with another guy, but all he really needed to know was that it happened, right? Knowing the details only make him feel worse, right? HOWEVER, his girl is lying to him, isn't that wrong? If and when the truth comes out wouldn't that just create another, possibly bigger problem in the future?

While I would love to say honesty is the best policy, I'm guilty of being in both scenarios and in both roles at one time or another (well not quite sure about the first one lol).

Every time I watch Baby Boy and this scene comes up I always think about how this is the sad reality for relationships and it's so f*cked up what they're doing. I wanna give some great commentary about how people should just be honest and not lie but I cannot. I can only come up with more questions.

When you're in a relationship, you of course shouldn't be engaging in behavior that's going to put you in that situation in the first place but that is just the nature of the beast. However, one may argue why continue to lie to the person you love?

On the other side of the fence, you love the person you are with, not the person you messed around with. You love the person you are with, even if they are a little thicker, you like it (you just need them to buy clothes in their size). You know that telling them that they look fat or that they cheated is really going to hurt their feelings, would start a big argument, and could put a relationship that you want in jeopardy.

I need thoughts on this…

Would YOU have dated a man named Barack Obama 10 years ago?

I guess I'm on an article kick today. I found this while doing my usual blog browse on seveneighteen. I have to admit, I'm one of those women that dismiss men for the small stuff (I sometimes wonder how I'm with The Boo for some of the stuff he does). However, when I look back at most of the fools I've "dated" I don't think I'm going to be missing out on much lol. Enjoy!

What single woman can learn from Michelle Obama.

America has fallen for the Obamas. The history, the high glamour, the PDAs on the White House lawn. It's a universal picture of love. But for many successful black women, with college degrees, ambitious careers and five-year plans, that enchantment has become something of an obsession.

Those of us hoping to find suitable mates in a dating landscape that is, statistically speaking, pretty grave, are absolutely giddy about the very existence of the first family and especially about the possibility that we could find our own Barack.

We'd give up three hair appointments in a row, our designer puppies and that annual tropical vacation with our best grad-school friends to meet a man like him. Brilliant. Confident. Best smile ever. So into his wife. On the cover of April's issue of Washingtonian magazine, he appears shirtless to illustrate the publication's No. 2 reason to love D.C. ("Our new neighbor is hot!") But if we'd first encountered him the way Michelle did, as a regular guy, under the glow of office lights instead of the spotlight, would he have made our lists at all?

In footage that plays when the networks mention how our cool, young, black president shot hoops with his staff and friends on Election Day, Obama is close to gawky in a simple gray T-shirt tucked in just a bit too tightly. Between plays, you notice tapered pants pulled up a little too high. A slightly skinny build. In those few frames, he's not the hottest guy on the court, let alone in the country. When he appeared as a presidential candidate on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, my initial swoon as he stepped on stage was short-lived. He playfully hip-bumped the host in an overly bouncy dance routine that embarrassed me into looking away. Suddenly, I was watching my boss get down at the company Christmas party or a friend's dad grooving to Earth, Wind and Fire at her wedding. Not bad. Endearing, even. But "swagga" did not spring to mind. Sure, Obama is a dad and a boss to many . . . but I get the impression he's been dancing like that his whole life.

I've played matchmaker, unsuccessfully, for scores of black professional women. And I'm convinced that Michelle's got something on many of us. Not her intelligence or her confidence or sense of style, her glowing skin or the carved silhouette of her arms. I could fill a room with friends who have all these qualities to spare. I'm talking about the choices I imagine she made in those crucial moments between meeting Barack and deciding who he would be to her. She must have focused on an abundance of goodness instead of his hint of goofiness and fixated on a warm smile instead of a pair of oversized ears. It's easy to see now that he was a great catch, but how many of us would have been open to this guy who strayed so far from the black Prince Charming ideal, starting with his very name?

Click here to read the rest…

Sometimes people disgust me

I don't know if you've read the story of the black kids asked to leave a Philadelphia swim club because managers feared the kids would rape, rob, and kill the white folks "change the complexion of the pool". Click here to read the story.

The article says the day camp, Creative Steps, is looking for a new pool for the kids to attend but they also need to have someone looking for a lawyer to sue the mess out of the swim club. This Valley Swim club sounds like one of those places that let one black family join so they can say they are open.

Now one may be tempted to say in the age of Obama, how can this ish still go on? How can this go down in the "City of Brotherly Love"? But even the Obama's are targets of ignorance, stupidity, and people that can't seem to let go of ideas from 1842 and it's sad. I, however, just cannot be surprised anymore. From the Jena 6 situation, the N-bomb flying out of every white person's mouth, attacks on the beautiful Michelle Obama, and this, I am concerned about how racism has been showing its ugly face so frequently in 2009.

I hope this lights a fire under the people of Philly. I pray that the kids find themselves another, better pool to swim in and justice for what the swim club has done.

When you decide to break the rules…

I just heard some real bad news.

I think that Kanye song is fitting right now.

I was perusing Facebook, trying to find something to keep me from crying about the fact that Michael Jackson is gone and I stumbled upon the fact that a very good friend of mines, who I will admit right here for the first time that I have feelings for, is engaged!

Now don't get me started on this massive wave of young people I know getting married these days. It's bananas but more power to them, I am not a hater. According to others my thinking is all off and these are days we're supposed to be marrying and having kids.

This is probably going to sound kind of messed up but I was totally planning on confessing my feelings! I probably would have done it before but 1. I'm shy, 2. Last time I was at home, he wasn't in town and I wasn't about to text, FB message, or any other non-verbal of communicating that ish.

It's my fault, I had a chance to tell him everything but considering I'm always saying that's not my style, I never did. When we were 16, he finally told me he'd liked me since the 7^th grade but he was too scared to tell me, he thought he wasn't good enough. It made me feel good at the time but he wasn't saying he wanted to be with me and I was with someone else so I didn't really deal with it. After he confessed, for years every time we would come home for breaks and chill he would tell me how he liked me, we would cuddle, we even kissed once but that was so bad I took it as a sign we were meant to be friends.

But lately, he had really been on my mind. I didn't even know he was in a relationship. I'd reached out to him last time I was home we talked for a while and I should have noticed something was different then. Now he's engaged and every freaking time I log on to Facebook I get the little reminder.

I guess he'll never know how I feel now, I certainly couldn't tell him now that he's engaged. I guess I'll do like they sang in that movie and say little prayer for him and his future wifey. Moral of the story: you snooze you lose.

4th of July weekend catch-up

Ugh, after a lazy week last week and a fun weekend enjoying the nation's capitol, it's Monday and back to the usual.

I was off all week (which is going to kick my bank accounts butt next week). My plans for the 4^th were all over the place. Friday night I went for a late night walk on The Mall with the girls. We got down there around 10:30, there weather was nice, and there were a surprising number of people out. We walked from the Washington Monument to the WWII Memorial, and then to the Lincoln Monument. Everything looked so nice and pretty at night but I could have done without the walk along the dark, scary paths between the monuments. Oh and the bugs, yuck!

Saturday I headed to a small family cookout in the afternoon which was fun. Then I met the girls on The Mall for the fireworks. There were so many people, whack live music, and we had a great spot in front of the Washington Monument. It was fun experiencing Independence Day in Washington. I imagine Inauguration would have been fun like that if we had actually made it onto The Mall that day. I spread my little leopard print blanket out on the grass and chilled out for a few hours until dark. I thought the fireworks were some of the best I'd ever seen but according to some locals the recession had even hit the fireworks this year. My digital camera is no-more so hopefully my friends will put up the pics so I can post them too.

I really needed this weekend to enjoy myself and take my mind off some things. I've been having some serious issues with The Boo, almost to the point where I'm not really sure we're still going to be together for long. I don't really want to get into the details but things are NOT going good. I know that he is going through quite a lot now, I'm trying to be there for him but it's hard when I'm not there physically. I am hoping his visit to D.C. and an upcoming trip home can help the situation…

Speaking of home…

My family is coming! Not just to visit me exactly. Little Bruh and Lil cousin are coming out next Monday. My family purchased tickets into Baltimore and I've been left with the task of transporting the youngsters to NYC for a week with my Big Sis. Then I get a 3 day break before my aunt, her husband (no I DO NOT claim this man as my uncle), and my college-bound cousin come to town to get her settled in for her summer program. And then after that I hope to have The Boo out for a few days and then I'm headed to Cincinnati!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at all that delicious goodness right there. I can just taste the Skyline, UDF Cookies and Cream, and Penn Station cheese steaks already (I know I'm doing the most with my food visions). I've got weddings, family reunions, dress fittings, and lots of hookah smoking on my mind as well s I'm hoping this is going to be a good trip. I need a little break from the DC life and to me nothing is better than a Cincy summer.

For some reason this song was going through my head as I wrote this post…my song of the day.

Time for something new

So I realized I'm not feeling the current layout of my blog. I'm about to make some changes, play around with different layouts and figure out which one I like.

Random, I know.

kanYe West : Blog : DRAKE VIDEO!

This is a joke right? A pointless video with a bunch of girls in low-cut tops jumping up and down in slow motion? The video has absolutely NOTHING to do with the song and I'm rather disappointed in you Kanye. I sure hope they don't come up with some deep explanation for this video like they did with Flashing Lights...