Afternoon Ramblings…

I'm really messed…I just realized it.

I'm sitting here having another fight with my soon-to-be ex boyfriend an eating some pancakes (because that's all the food I have at this point) and I am just struggling to chew these thick-ass fluffy ass pancakes. I realize I don't even really like pancakes.

I will eat them, of course, they are a great breakfast staple but only if I have to. I only have the pancake mix because I had brunch here for some friends earlier this summer and it's the last thing I have left.

More, deeper realizations I've tried to ignore hit me:

1. I wish I had never gone to Howard University. Yes, this has truly been an experience. I've met some amazing as well as not-so-amazing people during my time here. Howard has changed me for the better and for the worst. It's true what they say about Howard, after you're gone there's somebody out there that's gonna look up to the fact that you went there even though you know it really aint shit. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't come to Howard I would be out of undergrad by down and I probably wouldn't be in so much debt. But hey maybe the grass just looks greener on the other side. Then again when I am out of this horrid place/phase I'm in right now AND undergrad I will probably (fuck that) look back at HU with much fondness…maybe.
   
2. I want to get married….like NOW. I told my girls at dinner that while I did wanna get married, I wasn't ready yet. I'm probably right but there is a nagging feeling inside of me that wants it now. Maybe it's because I see so many others around me doing it, maybe I want a "permanent" end to the loneliness I've been enduring for the past few years, maybe I'm just afraid I will end up like my mom or sister. 50 and married for the first time, 40 never married and no kids. I want to overcome that!
   
3. I don't know how to let go. I mean of anything. I thought having lost a parent at the age of 12 and several loved ones only a few years later and in a short time that I would learn the act of letting go. I never did. Probably because I don't think I've let my dad go. I tuck people and things in some place in my mind and I just don't deal with it until I absolutely have to. When that time comes I usually don't deal with it well and sometimes I go through these breakdowns. That would explain why when I have these vivid dreams about my father I wake up in tears and I have to hold them back for the rest of the day until I can push him back into that place where I don't have to deal with it.
   
4. I have let a man rob me of my confidence. I don't even need to discuss it.
   
5. I don't know what this is called but I have picked several fights with my boyfriend and been an all-out bitch to him this week over nothing while he is dealing with being homeless. There is an underlying reason but I still can't bring myself to tell anyone what it really is because then I feel like I will be on a clock, counting down how much more time it will take for us to break up. There's probably some psychological explanations for this.
   
6. I don't know how to or like to make decisions. From where me and a friend are having dinner to where I'm going to college (see #1). Even after making the decision to make my own decisions I have fallen short. I feel that I don't know how to make good ones because the ones I've made haven't been that great (but then again the ones others have made for me or have influenced me to make haven't ALWAYS been either so I'm just screwed).
   
7. I let other people's thoughts/opinions influence my decisions. Take a look at #1 again. I wouldn't have chosen Howard in the end but I kept getting that extra push from my family because they wanted to see me leave Cincinnati and get away from Ted more importantly.
   
8. I'm a bitch. Just a straight up bitch. I wasn't always like this either. I have been trying to figure out where in the past 5 years I have gone wrong, it was probably Howard.
   
9. I don't like kids but I can't wait to have one of my own. Doesn't make much sense…
   
10. I am the one and only reason I'm still in undergrad. I said it. I have blamed professors I have blamed HU, I have blamed financial aid but in the end, I've been the biggest thing standing in my way. I spent so much time trying do things my own way, not conform to the HU bullshit like being a suck up and so on and look where it has landed me.
    

Like I said, I don't know where this has come from but I'm going to stop at 10 even though there are so many more. I need to get back to packing and finding something else to eat since the pancakes have failed me…

Song of the Day: Clipse "I'm Good"

For me there is nothing better than a N.E.R.D./Neptunes beat (well besides Kanye's of course). I love them.

I'm really feeling the second of two singles from their new album Till The Casket Drops called "I'm Good". Maybe I'm just feeling the beat and Pharrell's echo underneath their rapping but I had to make this my song of the day, it's going hard on the iPod....

I’m getting the ich…

So I did say that I'm girl that loves fashion.

Unfortunately, the current financial climate in my life has severely impacted my ability to satisfy my hunger for the fashion I so desire. I remember the days when I would stay up, perusing my favorite sites like Nordstrom.com, Torrid.com, NeimanMarcus (I told you champagne tastes, Wild Irish Rose budget) scoping out the what I wanted and needed and loved! Nowadays I spend my nights checking Craigslist, Idealist, and blogging (WOMP!).

But today I couldn't take it anymore. I'm on a high from securing an internship for the Fall (God is good all the time!) and I just started going at it like they are going to be paying me in this internship…they aren't. Just a few of the teasers…

This cute little number is actually only $15.80 at Forever 21

I CANNOT WAIT to try out their plus-size line.

I can just see the potential in this dress…Torrid models almost never look good in the clothes….

A girl can never have too many maxi dresses

I've been eyeing this bag for waaay too long.

*Sigh*...I had to stop when i felt a little foam forming in my mouth...

Song of the Day

I'm taking back, all the way back to high school.

Back then this song was just another dance song I used to laugh at with my black friends and dance crazy to with my white friends.

Last night I was ironing my hair, iTunes was on shuffle, and this came on. I was already in a weird mood and something had me actually listening to the words and I was like "wow this is kinda deep".

An excerpt from the 2^nd verse:

You think you've got it
Ohh, you think you've got it
But got it just don't get it
Till' there's nothing at
AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaallllll..
We get together
Ohh, we get together
But seperate's always better when there's feelings
InvooooooOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOlved
If what they say is "Nothing is forever"
Then what makes, Then what makes, Then what makes
Then what makes, Then what makes LOOVVEEE?
(Love exception) So why you, why you
Why you, why you, why you are we so in denial
When we know we're not happy heeeerrreeee...
Y'all don't want me here you just wanna dance

Despite his sometimes strange delivery, Andre 3K does delivery knowledge!

Weekend Update

Yet another, mostly uneventful weekend has come and gone in this dreary summer.

I did get a text from Abba (I feel safe using his name because NOBODY knows what it really is, I usually identify him by his nationality lol) on Friday night asking to hang out on Saturday.

Background: we dated for a few months. I started off liking him but cultural differences and his over-all awkwardness just really turned me off. He also drunk-dialed/text me waaay too many times and he was flaky (always making plans and never coming through on any of them). I'd also started talking to the Jamaican after him which eventually just cancelled him out. I will admit he was totally gentleman at most times and a genuinely nice guy.

I alerted him to my dire financial situation but he insisted that he was inviting me out so it was on him. I was hesitant, but when he hit me up Saturday night I said yes to a movie. Now this was 100% NOT a date to me, I was bored and I needed out of the house (no I didn't tell The Boo where I was going…another one of those issues when you're in a long-distance relationship. I also didn't tell Abba that I was with somebody…I probably should have).

I know I'm about a month late but we saw The Hangover which was freakin hilarious! Another instance where I judged the preview and said "no thanks" immediately and then I was proven wrong. I had been hearing that it was good and it actually was! I might have to get that one on DVD cause it can surely bring laughter on a bad day.

So everything was going good until after the movie. I just wanted to go home, he wanted to drink…he wanted to get a bottle, go somewhere and get drunk. What?!?

I agreed to go with him to a bar and we ended up at BW3s (which I had been craving anyways) and I ordered a beer (the most unsexy drink ever (yuck!)) and he got wings for us. I had to endure the awkward moment of eating with him where he dropped a wing on himself and the floor and struggled to figure out just how he wanted to eat them. Then he wanted me to get another drink (ugh!).

Sidenote: I haven't been drinking nearly as much as I used to. Alcohol has soo many calories (which is probably why I put on so much weight last year, I've been broke, and now my tolerance is down or something.

I quickly downed another drink (mistake!) and I was ready to bounce. I felt soo sick on the way home. When he pulled up at my house I practically jumped out of the car for fear I was going to throw up. We had our awkward good-bye and I vowed to never
ever do anything like that again. When the time is right I will tell him that I do have a boyfriend and we can go back to not talking to each other. Thanks.